Growing up, my mother was frequently angry.
Apologies, at least from what I observed, seemed to placate the situation.
Over time, I began internalizing a belief that my parents' feelings were essentially my fault.
To be clear, caring about how your actions affect others is rarely a bad thing.
But the deeper problem seems to stem from the lack of understanding aroundwhywe apologize.
Sometimes it’s just a reflex.
And sometimes, it’s not coming from a place of concern at all.
My clients often ask me if they should apologize after a conflict.
The answer is that it depends on your intent.
When are apologies manipulative?
We also often apologize out of fear, not remorse.
I say the prayer because it makes me feel good to say it to myself.
When we do need to apologize.
A sincere apology is soul food.
When this is the case, I’m genuinely remorseful, and I sincerely apologize.
I learn and grow from the experience.
Learning to trust yourself.
Even if you have inadvertently (or purposefully) hurt someone, an apology is not a Band-Aid.
If you feel hollow inside as a result of an apology, then it was a form of control.
