Most people who cheat are sorry they hurt their spouse.
But they don’t regret the affair.
They don’t regret cheating.
They regret that they got caught.
But they don’t regret their affair, and they aren’t sorry for cheating.
Most people enjoy cheating.
They revel in their affairs.
They have intense feelings of belonging and desire, and they have exciting sexual encounters.
This doesn’t mean you aren’t sorry for hurting your loved ones.
If you don’t regret the outside relationship, those words barely penetrate the surface when you apologize.
Empathy
How many times have you said it?
Until you really know what you are apologizing for, it helps to change your strategy.
Evan and Anna came to my office after Evan’s affair.
Angered when she discovered the ongoing affair, Anna demanded he stop seeing the co-worker.
Anna not only felt sexually betrayed by Evan, she felt financially betrayed, as well.
Each time he says it, I feel like he is just trying to placate me."
Anna cried in the couple’s therapy session.
“I always thought actions meant more than words anyway,” Evan said.
“Actions don’t mean more than words in this case,” I explained.
“Yes,” Anna responded, “and your ‘I’m sorry’ still means nothing.
How will I ever trust you again?”
Evan was truly sorry but not for the affair.
He was sorry for hurting Anna, his wife.
He looked around the office, shyly.
The hair around his bald spot gleamed in the soft afternoon light of my office.
Anna almost jumped off the couch as if to physically confront Evan.
Let’s focus on what you feel in the present moment about what happened."
“Well, not for me, but I know Anna won’t agree.”
Because Anna would think less of me if she knew I had such bad erectile dysfunction.
She doesn’t have much patience with such things.
And where we are from, we don’t talk much about personal stuff like that."
Anna looked at him sharply.
“Go on,” I said.
“Anna, does it make sense that he felt that way?”
“I don’t get it,” Anna said.
I mean, he is paying for her college education, for goodness sake!
Her face turned red, and she sat stonily on the couch with her arms crossed.
Evan looked across at her in shock.
“Anna, I am not in love with her.
I was always embarrassed to talk to you about my erectile dysfunction.
And so that’s all it was.
And I felt like I owed her because she helped me; that’s all.
And she is, yes, a nice girl.”
“Evan, I’m not upset about your sexual dysfunction.
So what if you’re able to’t get an erection?
That’s not why I love you.
He looked at her and smiled, and they hugged.
What they really want to know.
Excerpted fromWhen You’re the One Who Cheatsby Dr. Tammy Nelson.
