I have always felt slightly in the dark about what its like to date the prototypical emotionally unavailable partner.
I could imagine why there might be something seductive about someone who shows interest and then pulls away.
But for most of my life, the chase hadnt really been my thing.
Ive spent the last couple of months completely fixated on a human who makes me feel like shit.
The start of the relationship.
Rob* and I met on Tinder.
He was incredibly attractive, smart, hyper-educated, and well-dressed.
Immediately, I liked the idea of dating him.
On our first date, we went to the new Whitney Museum.
He just expected me to follow and I did what I felt I should do: I followed.
The symbol of the chase began quite literally in our dynamic.
Being around Rob felt kind of like being around the mean cool girl in middle school.
In theory, Rob was a catch.
After the museum, Rob declared, Lets get a drink.
Note: He did not ask.
I had been dreaming of heading home and watching Netflix.
But I said yes instead of no because, quite simply, I was afraid to assert my needs.
Why was I enamored with an emotionally unavailable man?
Rob had caught me at a weird time.
It was the end of August.
I was in the midst of an uncomfortable transition.
I had left a full-time job to pursue freelance writing.
I was about to move into a new apartment.
I was getting over a breakup.
And I was feeling a resurgence of body image issues and other psychological crap coming to the surface.
Everything in my life at that point felt so uncertain, and I was dealing with crippling self-doubt.
At the same time, it also provided me with a sense of potential security at least theoretically.
After a few mezcal cocktails, Rob had another idea.
Lets go to my apartment, he said.
I smiled, and responded Okay, even though I wanted to say no.
Sure, I was drunk.
After that night, Rob always wanted to spend time together.
He texted me every day throughout the day.
He immediately changed the subject to a meeting hed had earlier that day.
But Id guess that he cared about having someone there to want his approval.
Finally I realized: This relationship was unhealthy for me.
I didnt even really like sleeping with him so I knew my infatuation wasnt even about sex.
But I felt drunk with desire, especially when we werent together.
Plus, as I mentioned, there was my superficial interest in Rob-as-idea.
But giving a full run-down of the Rob saga is not the point of my writing this.
Our relationship is over, but Im still somewhat obsessed with figuring it out.
What the hell made me go through all of this voluntarily?
What was going on during our brief romance?
At the same time, Tatkin adds, we cant reduce everything to biology.
And in this moving system, he clarifies, We may have opposing psychobiological agendas … .
The person with whom youre infatuated may look terrible on paper but you cant say no.
Another person looks great on paper, but youre just not that into them.
When were into someone our serotonin drops, which triggers thoseanxious and obsessive post-date ruminations.
At the same time, testosterone is heightened, which distorts our judgment.
Unfortunately, all those hormones dont automatically reconfigure the moment ones brain realizes that a partner makes no sense.
But the scariest thing was my willingness to neglect myself.
For me, the greatest irony is that I was completely aware that Rob was wrong all along.
Yet that was part of his appeal.
We can become addicted to seeking love from an unavailable partner, says psychiatrist and authorMark Goulston, PhD.
In my case, I think I wanted an emotional alternative to the safety and support Id always known.
After growing up in a close and stable family, I was flirting with emotional danger and adventure.
I talked to therapist and writerLinda Carroll, LMFT, about this.
Her take was a bit discouraging but it made sense.
I asked Carroll what she thought about all this.
“We can’t simplify anything in this life, especially love, she told me.
How do they interact with their family?
Do they have long-term friends?
Is their financial life in order?
How do they speak of past struggles?
These were all questions that Carroll provided to me as good investigative tools to get this necessary objective data.
When it came to objective data on Rob, there were many red flags.
I never met any of his friends and didnt ever hear him talk about emotions.
He said terrible things about his ex-girlfriend and had no relationship with his family.
Plus, he made me feel like crap about myself.
And it still feels bad.
How I’ve moved on.
When I reflect on the Rob situation, I hope its not a pattern.
I see frightening psychoanalytic dynamics at work.
I can intellectualize them, and sometimes its stimulating and even instructive to do so.
But this whole experience has been a powerful teacher.
Accept it with radical honesty.
Let it show you what you dont want, and get some data about that for future reference.
*Not his real name.
