In an ideal world, our desires perfectly line up with our partners.
That’s not the world we live in.
From our diets to cellphones to neighborhoods, we get a wide choice of options about pretty much everything.
Monogamy is pretty much optional these days.
More and more people are not only learning about ethical non-monogamy, but they are considering it for themselves.
In the best-case scenario, both parties in the relationship are equally curious about exploring non-monogamy together.
But that is not always available.
Non-monogamy mismatch is a common paradigmbut fear not.
Clarify the underlying motivations and resistance.
A good place to start is to understand why people are opting for monogamy or non-monogamy.
or “Why don’t you trust me?”
and bring home that it’s not personal at all.
For some people monogamy or non-monogamy is an orientation on par with sexual orientation.
It’s not something that’s malleable or by choice.
For others, monogamy or non-monogamy is a choice.
There are many reasons people might want to stick to the monogamous structure.
Similarly, it is worth exploring the resistance to the alternate structure.
Knowing the source of the mismatch often indicates how to deal with it.
Consider a compromise.
This allows both members of the couple to be involved in the processwithout leaving anyone out.
Other aspects of compromise can be the degree of emotional entanglement, sexual engagement, or intellectual openness.
A good rule of thumb is not to seek symmetry but aim for synergy.
Not everyone needs the same thing at the same time.
Consider a table full of food and people arriving at this table at various degrees of hunger.
The key here is the table full of food.
Making sure these needs are mutually satisfied will enable compromising, creative problem-solving, and agreements to come easier.
A word of warning here.
In such cases, ultimately one party will not be a willing participant.
It often depends on how closely the person identifies with non-monogamy.
But if it’s more of a curiosity, the sacrifice may not feel so burdensome.
With some resilience, the relationship can thrive.
It’s possible to fulfill everyone’s needs.
Taking your timeis key.
It’s inevitable there will be tension as you embark on these conversations.
Don’t forget to celebrate each other and your relationship as it is today.
