When you’re in an toxic relationship, leaving your partner is the best course of action to take.
But what happens if it feels impossible to extricate yourself?
When you’re free to’t seem to end it or find yourself coming back time and time again?
What is trauma bonding?
One minute things are good, and then the next, they’re not."
The attachment pattern alternates between devaluation and intimacy.
The person you want to console you the most is the one hurting you.
You want to believe it will get better, which is why you stay.
Yet the pattern continues.
What trauma bonding isnot.
In truth, trauma bonding is a feature ofabusive relationships.
Signs of trauma bonding.
“A trauma bond begins with promises of love, trust, and safety.
“Passion and seductive pledges push intuitions aside,” she explains.
Then the mask slips off, and the boundaries are crossed.”
You defend your partner’s bad behaviors.
In a healthy relationship, you should both step up and take accountability when you could do better.
You feel drained and avoid open communication.
On the contrary, you feel depleted.
It shows you trust each other enough to meet your needs.
However, in trauma-bonded relationships, there’s a lot of anxiety about maintaining the status quo.
So, you ignore bringing up what’s really going on and hope for changed behavior.
You don’t feel like yourself and keep secrets.
A key feature of trauma bonding is coercive control.
To make it even more disorienting, trauma bonding is characterized by cognitive dissonance, which creates confusion.
You may keep the true shadow side of the relationship and its problems to yourself out of shame.
You maintain persistent loyalty even in the face of danger.
Loyalty to the abusive partner is a hallmark of trauma bonding, according to Macaluso.
You may take a stab at remember the good and dismiss the bad times to stay in the relationship.
“You stay loyal to your violating partner despite feelings of fear, emotional pain, and distress.”
Why trauma bonding happens.
“The irregular and unpredictable cycle of cruelty mixed with caring gestures are critical to forming traumatic attachments.
No abusive person is mean or threatening all of the time,” she explains.
“The cocktail of fear and seduction ironically deepens attachment because it provides intensity that escalates attraction and arousal.
When you don’t understand traumatic bonding, you often mistake intensity and passion for love.”
“Earlyattachment experienceslay the foundation for our future self-esteem and how we bond with others.
It’s where you learn about interpersonal boundaries and what your role in relationships is.
You discover your emotional needs and how to fulfill them.
You [also] form beliefs about yourself and the world,” Macaluso says.
Even though it’s difficult, choosing a dysfunctional version of love is all you know.
Personality
Another component that affects trauma bonds can also be personality.
“So, even if you heal your codependent issues, these innate personality traits do not disappear.
Hence, you gotta understand your vulnerability for entering a trauma bond.”
How to heal.
If you haven’t ended the relationship yet, that’s the first place to start.
Here’s mbg’sfull guide to leaving an abusive relationship.
“Healing from an abusive or traumatic relationship doesn’t happen overnight.
Go no-contact with your exso you might focus on yourself completely.
By sharing openly, it decreases feelings of loneliness as you cultivate restorative relationship practices.
“The more you know, the more power you have.
It also works hand in hand with boundary development and higher self-esteem.
It can also lead to increased blood pressure, tense muscles, sending your sympathetic nervous system into overdrive.
Leaning on movement, mindfulness, and self-care will be vital.
The takeaway.
Take a moment to congratulate yourself for beginning to end the cycle.
It’s a big step to make.
As you know firsthand, it’s not easy to “just leave” an abusive partnership.
Walking away from toxicity demonstrates incredible strength to choose yourself and your well-being first.
Be gentle and tender with yourself as you recover from trauma bonding.
If you are in immediate danger, call 9-1-1.
They’re available 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
you’ve got the option to also speak to them through a live private chat ontheir website.
