When you date someone you like, you might’t get enough of them.
Even when you do receive validation from them, it still doesn’t feelquiteright.
Even the littlest negative mood shift from them can have you dreaming up the worst-case scenarios.
Understanding attachment theory.
They called the concept “the attachment theory.”
Theattachment theory outlinesfour attachment styleswe all fall into:secure,avoidant,anxious, orfearful-avoidant.
Here’s an overview of each style:
What is an anxious preoccupied attachment style?
These feelings motivate sometimes unhealthy behaviors that attempt to maintain the relationship, he adds.
How the anxious preoccupied style develops.
Without proper attunement, the child internalizes aninsecure attachmenttemplate.
Sometimes they were there, and sometimes they were not.
This causes the anxious-preoccupied person to feel deeply insecure, yet dependent, in their romantic relationships.
Common signs of anxious preoccupied attachment.
You hate being single.
“You have a deep longing for intimate connections.
To fill the void, you look for someone, anyone, as a distraction.
You fantasize about the perfect partner constantly.
Low self-esteem and negative self-beliefs.
You only feel whole if someone is confirming your existence in some way.
You mold yourself to the person you’re dating.
You engage in protest behaviors.
You could be described as “clingy” in relationships.
When you’re in a relationship, the world disappears.
Your hobbies fade into the background.
Your friends complain about your absence.
You need verbal reassurance often.
You display territorial behavior in relationships.
Caraballo says anxiously attached partners don’t always present as meek in relationships.
Instead, you may come across as jealous or overly protective of your partner and the relationship.
Checking your partner’s phone.
If you always want to share locations, know your S.O.
’s password, or secretly check their phone behind their backthis is a huge tell.
“This is often due to previous relationship trauma ofbeing deceived or cheated on,” Caraballo adds.
“This can lead to ongoing feelings of insecurity, low self-esteem, and paranoia.”
Dating with an anxious preoccupied style.
Being able to understand the pattern is the first step in healing.
Here’s what to do next:
Challenge your negative beliefs.
As an anxiously attached dater, your mind is fine-tuned to expect abandonment and rejection from your partner.
“It’s helpful to mindfully notice the negative beliefs and challenge them as appropriate,” Lam notes.
Plus, he says experiencing safety and security will help you heal.
Tell your partner when you’re feeling distressed.
Ask for patience.
Caraballo confirms this comes down to the fact that you need a lot of reassurance from your partner.
Be consistent and balanced throughout their triggers.
Consistency is the key to unlocking the pathway toward asecure attachment style.
On both sides, be steady with the relationship and create balance whenever you’re able to.
Reach for transparency instead of reassurance.
Yes, this includes the positives and negatives too.
To help them have a more secure attachment, you could share your positive feelings about them often.
It could be as simple as proactively checking up on them or telling them you care about them.
Even though it feels constant on your side, let them know anyway.
The anxiously attached person will appreciate it.
Resolving the issues and healing.
Healing from an attachment style doesn’t happen in isolation.
It happens in the community.
The takeaway.
Don’t be discouraged if it takes time to create a secure attachment to yourself.
