There’s a sinking pit in your stomach when you see it’s your ex.
No matter what it is, the message is clear: You’re on their mind.
They’re thinking of you.
They miss you in some capacity.
What is hoovering?
It’s an energetically draining dynamic that perpetuates a toxic pattern of idealization, devaluation, and discardment.
Hoovering is disruptive to your life because of how jarring it is.
It’s a subtle power play, but don’t take it lightly.
Where the behavior comes from.
“Hoovering is a tactic used by individuals with narcissist, borderline, anti-social, or histrionic personality disorder.
It is generally abusive in nature and done for lure the attention of their victim.
Does that mean that every time an ex gets back in touch with you it’s hoovering?
Moran notes that hoovering exists on a spectrum of intentional to unintentional behaviors.
Common signs of hoovering.
You haven’t heard from them for months, and then you get a random message.
Do you remember when we celebrated your birthday here?”
It’s lazy communication at best and used only to grab your attention, not make amends.
Being overly apologetic and attempting to convince you that they’ve changed.
The opposite could happen instead.
They might come in strong and own up for everything that went wrong in the relationship.
“I’m so sorry, and I want to do better.
It’s temptingbut the best apology is changed behavior, which is demonstrated over time, not in verbosity.
Think about what you want and the reaction that’s appropriate for you as it stands in the moment.
Showering a person with gifts.
Your ex is treating you the way that you’ve always wanted to be treated.
They are lavishing you with attention, presents, and little tokens of affection.
Love isn’t tit-for-tat, and it’s not based on a scoring system.
True connection is about a slow build of the quiet moments, not through grand gestures and big statements.
Needing to know where their partner is at all times.
They crave control and can project it onto you.
They might show up at your favorite coffee shop for a casual walk by.
They want to know if you’re going to X event because they might be there.
To stir up sympathy, they have your friends or family put in a good word on their behalf.
Protect your time and space by not getting involved.
Spreading lies about a partner to instigate a response.
Beware of any black-and-white stories that paint you as the villain and them as the victim.
They’re spinning stories and exposing your vulnerabilities to trigger you into defending yourself.
But the more you give a shot to correct what actually happened, the more convoluted it will be.
Unfortunately, it’s a pointless exercise that will lead you nowhere fast.
Gaslighting
“I gave the relationship everything I had.
You’re too sensitive.
I didn’t treat you that badly.
I did the best I could.”
Your ex may downplay their wrongdoings, which plants a seed of doubt in your mind.
Bygaslightingyou to covertly twist the situation, they escape accountability, and your feelings are dismissed.
Trust your gut instincts as you’re parsing through the hidden nature behind their messages.
Threatening self-harm.
“If you don’t respond back to me, I’m going to hurt myself.”
This is a major red flag that you are being hoovered.
You are not responsible for their actions.
Unkept and/or over-the-top promises.
Remember that vacation you always wanted to take?
They want to finally take you there!
You wanted to move somewhere warmer for the summer?
Let’s do it!
If it sounds too good to be trueit is.
When they use your aspirations to get something from you in the present, it’s called future faking.
Displaced pronouncements of undying love.
“You’re my soul mate.
I can’t live without you.
It’s been you and always been you.”
It sounds like a picture-perfect fairy tale because it is.
Don’t get swept away in the romanticism of what used to be.
Anchor yourself into the reality of the relationship and the experience you went through.
How to respond to hoovering.
The bottom line.
“When dealing with hoovering, one must maintain a strong sense of self,” Di Leo advises.
But knowing yourself and disengaging can only get you so far.
Seek help if it escalates into emotional abuse.
They’re available 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
you’re able to also speak to them through a live private chat on their website.
