Unconditional love is a weighty term for something that most of us don’t really understand.
And because of this, it often creates a justification for staying in unhealthy dynamics.
What is unconditional love?
The termunconditional lovedoes not mean love without limits or bounds.
It means, “I offer you my love freely without condition.”
This means that when we offer our love, we offer it without expectation of repayment.
It is important to offer this jot down of unconditional love in ourrelationships.
Otherwise, we are offering love with “strings attached.”
This creates power and control imbalances.
Unconditional love means loving someone through hardships, mistakes, and frustrations.
In fact, it is what everymeaningful, lasting relationshipis made of.
And we also show our own quirks and flaws and challenges.
There is a ledger, and the child owes a debt.
This makes for a very unhappy and disconnected relationship, or even atoxic family relationship.
Is unconditional love healthy?
It is healthy to offer your love without strings attached.
Otherwise, we are not truly loving the other person.
Rather, we are using affection as a tool to control.
It isnothealthy to offer love withoutboundaries.
Our relationships require basic expectations to be fulfilledkindness, respect, and safety.
When these are not fulfilled, we might have to sethard boundaries.
These boundaries might look like distancing oneself or cutting off entirely.
If you do cut off, it does not mean that you offered your love with conditions.
Remember, your love did not make them indebted to you.
They do not owe you anything.
The problem with love without boundaries
Love without boundaries canlead to unhappinessat least andabuse at worst1.
Sometimes, we ignore these needs for boundaries in the name of “unconditional love.”
However, in those moments, we are not offering unconditional love.
We are offeringcodependent love.
There’s a distinct line between loving someone through the hardships vs. accepting unacceptable behavior.
The latter becomes apparent when the relationship is no longer offering the basic needs of a relationship.
This is especially true if you have tried to communicate clearly and still see no change.
you’re free to offer love that has no strings attached while still having boundaries.
And then, that changesone person goes through something and begins to treat their partner with disrespect or cruelty.
When that changes, you’re able to choose to put boundaries in place or distance yourself.
This doesn’t mean your love hasn’t been unconditional.
Unconditional love means offering love without conditionsin that moment.
It does not necessarily mean forever.
It means, “The love I am giving you right now is yours to keep.
I am doing it of my own free will.
You owe me nothing in return.”
If it’s easier, consider instead the idea ofwholehearted love.
Wholehearted loving means leaning into the vulnerability of offering our love because we want to offer it.
Wholehearted love also acknowledges and prioritizes the wholeness of both the people.
To give wholehearted love, you must love your partnerand yourselfwholly.
You will know it is wholehearted love when both people are willing to enter with their whole heart.
When each person has a voice.
When challenges are reflected upon.
When there is no scoreboard because you are on the same team and not on opposing teams.
