Its the end of the day.
Were home with our partner after busy days at work.
The dishwasher is quietly humming in the finally cleaned kitchen.
The kids are in bed.
The look that means “I want sex.”
Our relaxation evaporates, our skin bristles, or our muscles tense up.
We may love and adore our partnersyet suddenly we are on the defensive.
We may have even wanted sex before we saw the look, but now we find ourselves backpedaling.
Why does this happen so oftenfor women, particularlyinlong-term relationships?
However, these outdated perceptions were reflected in the relationship model I saw growing up.
From the outside, it looks like he wants sex and she doesn’tright?
At face value, yes.But there’s so much more to it than that.
Its because the way we’re having sex is not conducive towomen’s pleasure.
In fact, it’s strangling her desire completely.
The typical, goal-oriented “round-the-bases” approach to sex doesnt inspire, arouse, or satisfy women.
Round-the-bases sex: you know, the way we were taught to have sex in seventh grade.
Many of us have internalized this outdated sexual script.
And this approach to sex can subtly dictate our sexual dynamic with our partners.Enter: that look.
A woman may be eager to get intimate with her partner, to be touched, to be caressed.
But because of the precedent we’ve created, we tend to assume thatthe lookcomes with strings attached.
You think, “What’s he going to want next?
What is his hidden agenda here?
He expects sex, and I cant tell if I want that right now.”
They arent sexy because they send us into performance mode.
Women don’t freeze when their partners want sex because theydon’t want sex.
My client, Jill, said it perfectly: “I felt excited to see my partner all day.
I thought about him on my drive home and even thought about having sex.
But the minute he looked at me, all that desire just went away.”
It wasnt that Jill didnt like or want sex.
Instead, ironically, it was her husband’s sexual overtures that dampened her desire.
Simply put, it’s about pressure.
Round-the-bases sex puts pressure on womenand pressure doesn’t turn anyone on.
As if agreeing to acknowledge the gambit turns intimacy into a transaction.
So it’s not surprising we start toavoid sex with our partners.
This morning in bed, I experienced something radically differentand much more fulfillingwith my partner.
I started touching him “for no reason.”
I like his body, and it felt warm.
I touched him for a few minutes and we both enjoyed it, and then I stopped.
And that was that.
Its not the overture that we’re responding to negatively.
Its what we’ve come to expect it to mean.
Imagine touching just for the sake of touching.
How might that feel?
Instead, simply be present with the touch as it isfor its own sake.
