Your partner walks into the kitchen in her jogging gear, at ease, a half-smile on her face.
There’s perspiration on her forehead.
“Hi,” she says.
“What’s for dinner?”
You look up and say, “There are no black beans anywhere.”
Your partner’s shoulders stiffen.
“You said you’d get some last week.”
She removes her earbuds and rolls her eyes.
“Wow, you’re in a foul mood,” she says.
“And you’re out jogging while I’m cooking us dinner!”
“I mean, do I have to do all the shopping, now, too?”
Your partner turns away and stomps up the stairs.
You throw a spoon into the sink, and it bounces to the floor.
“Make your own dinner!”
What do you do in this situation?
The “Take Two” technique.
The more often you use and practice this technique, the more you’ll benefit from it.
I call it the “Take Two” technique.
Take Twos are simple (but not necessarily easy).
Maybe share this article and make a plan to try one out during a minor disagreement, at first.
Here’s how it works: When you notice a fight has started, stop.
Mid-sentence, if necessary.
Say to your partner, “Let’s do a Take Two.”
If there were several trigger points, pick the earliest one you’re free to remember.
Then begin the scene again.
This time, do it differentlyeven just alittledifferently.
For example:
Don’t worry about being “authentic.”
It’s OK to be messy or stiff.
Just do it a little bit more “relationally.”
Even if Take Twos seem forced or “sappy,” they still work.
Hitting the reset button during a fight.
I got the idea of Take Twos when I was making short films in my early 20s.
Maybe I could change the tenor of our interaction right away, avoiding an hours-long “fight hangover.”
Maybe I could handle fights with a little more humility and a touch of humor.
As it turned out, I could.
And so could my boyfriend (now husband).
We got better at it.
Over time, doing them became easier.
Today, many of the couples I see in my therapy practice also report successfully using Take Twos.
What it looks like in action.
Let’s do a Take Two of the bean fight scenario above.
Several factors have contributed to your reactivity about the lack of black beans in the pantry.
You’ve already discussed Take Twos with your partnermaybe even shared this article with them.
“OK,” she calls out.
“Give me a minute.”
When she comes back downstairs, you agree on the starting point.
“Hi,” she says, walking into the kitchen, again.
“What’s for dinner?”
“I’m trying to make a black bean salad,” you say.
“And I’ve been looking everywhere for black beans, but I can’t find any.
“Well, I appreciate younotsnapping at me,” your partner says.
“It just feels like I’m doing everything these days,” you say.
“I feel overwhelmed.”
I got kidney beans, though.
Can you use those instead?”
Your partner smiles, and you shrug sheepishly.
“Sure,” you say.
“And maybe we could watch something on Netflix later.
“If you don’t mind me being all sweaty.”
Becoming a better partner.
Take Twos can give couples the lived experience of control in situations that sometimes feel out-of-control.
They’re a concrete and sometimes playful way to step back from a reaction and make a better choice.
Incorporate that into your Take Two.
