The case for first-base dates.
Costa recommends what she calls first-base dates.
When youre spending dedicated couples time together, take genital stuff off the table.
Versus going into the restaurant and going like, oh, what do I feel like today?
Or what is my stomach growling about?
Or what does my heart feel nostalgic about?
Then Im actually listening to what I need in the moment.
Thats the key: listening to what your body wants.
This is particularly important for people who dont tend to get turned on easily or immediately by sexual stimuli.
The higher-desire partner is the higher-desire partner because they have access to turn-on.
And the lower-desire partner, its not as easy for them to access, Costa explains.
Not mindlessly, like were watching TV, she adds.
Lets lay together and notice what happens.
Prioritizing sexual energy over sexual acts.
Couples tend todefine sexor being sexual as penis in vagina or intercourse, Costa explains.
Thats a really, really big gap.
When you make it intercourse or nothing, youre more likely to get nothing.
Sex has nothing to do with what specific acts you do, and its definitely not about goalposts.
Its anenergymore than anything else.
Its hard to force yourself to just spontaneously be in the mood for sex more often.
Instead, if you do want more sex in your life, make it simple.
From that space, you just might find yourself occasionally transitioning into sexual desire more naturally.
Thats not the goal (remember: no goals!
), and you should plan on abiding by the rules around your first-base dates.
