Whats the most common problem you see in your practice?
I asked this question of my frequent collaborator, Aimee Hartstein, LCSW.
With 20 years of experience counseling singles and couples on relationship issues, she answered without skipping a beat.
Over and over, I see clients who didn’t individuate from their family of origin.
Until a person has individuated, it is nearly impossible for them to have a healthy romantic relationship.
And why is it so important for your love life (and your happiness in general)?
Allow me to explain.
Individuation is a natural step in your personal evolution.
As we grow from children to adults, we first separate and then individuate from our family of origin.
Separation entails moving away, starting a career, and setting up a home.
Individuation is the process by which we grow into our own authentic self.
Individuation is detached observation of the behaviors and beliefs we learned as children.
As children, we learn habits, beliefs, and behaviors from our family.
We unconsciously make choices based on familiar patterns.
Individuation allows us to take a step back.
Do these habits make our lives happier and more productive?
Or are they holding us back from our greatest potential?
Individuation allows you to shift from unconscious behavior to conscious choices.
We can cherry-pick those behaviors that work for us and discard those that dont.
Is your mother hilarious?
Is your father hardworking?
Is he emotionally detached?
A man will prioritize his mothers opinions at the expense of his wifes feelings.
A woman will marry a man to avoid her familys disapproval over the fact that shes gay.
Boundaries communicate, This is what I believe.
Individuation creates a well-established line in the sand.
Its a real tragedy when people forgo the opportunity for real joy to hey their family.
Individuation is a shifting of allegiance.
It is not a betrayal but a choice for a healthy future.
Your romantic partner or spouse should be your top priority.
With this person, you make all major life decisions.
Many clients see their parents as their best friends.
They want this relationship to continue unimpeded even after they marry.
Once you marry (or commit to a serious relationship), your partner should be your best friend.
The shifting of allegiance is not an abandonment of the family of origin.
Individuation may be painful.
But its also necessary.
Separation typically happens in the 20s.
Individuation usually happens at midlife, said Aimee, the relationship therapist.
The more controlling a persons family, the more painful the process.
Families often provide tremendous resistance.
But this is not a reason to stop moving ahead.
In fact, it may be indicative that the adult child is now on the right path.
Individuation redefines family in a bold new way.
Individuation can bring up a host of negative feelingshurt, anger, sadness, and betrayal.
You no longer need to fight to assert your independence.
You dont have a knee-jerk reaction to your familys opinions.
You have the emotional distance to enjoy them as regular people.
Some people choose to leave their family of origin completely.
Others create a new tribe comprised of friends who share their values.
Some remain close to their family of origin while understanding its limitations.
Any and all options are good, as long as you feel peaceful and content.
Individuation allows you to silence critical voices so that you could step into your full power.
If you have a negative or critical family, you may suffer from low self-esteem.
Individuation allows you to look at the situation objectively.
Were the critiques deserved?
Or were they a by-product of that family members own unhappiness, skewed perspective, or mental illness?
Once you individuate, you silence the critics.
Their opinions no longer matter.
When outside forces are silenced, the inner critic quiets, too.
From there, you could step into your power for real productivity and personal fulfillment.
Individuation allows you to experience the joy of real love.
Decide to say yes to love in whatever way makes you happy.
Best friendsthe kind that form the basis of strong partnershipsare not interchangeable.
