“was interpreted as an insult or attack by Sam, the other partner.
“Dont you think I would have thought of that on my own?”
It is an unconscious and automatic response to perceived danger, whether or not it makes sense to others.
So, what can be done?
If you’re a defensive person, are you doomed to drive people away with your defensiveness forever?
If you’re in a relationship with a defensive person, should you just cut and run?
Navigating this emotional minefield begins with understanding the cause of this automatic defensive response.
You might wonder why you’re free to’t just “get over it.”
Your partner might think you’re just refusing to do the work.
It is an unconscious and automatic response to perceived danger, whether or not it makes sense to others.
Why do some people have this defensive emotional response while others don’t?
Well, as a matter of fact, we all do have it.
The difference is each person’s unique biological stress set-pointthe point at which your fight-or-flight stress response is activated.
Each of these three groups has a different set-point for the fear of snakes.
The anatomy of defensive reactivity.
The good news is, defensiveness can be managed.
Be aware when it happens.
Be kind when you notice the signs.
Find a mantra that helps you stay in the right frame of mind.
I like this one: “Cultivate curiosity instead of judgment.”
Another is “Cultivate inquiry instead of reactivity.”
Develop the skill of self-soothing.
But to love ourselves doesnt mean that were above criticism.
If you are a person who is overly defensive, dont make it something to criticize yourself for.
Reframe it as your human struggle, which we each have, and one that you might change.
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