Rather, it’sbehaviors, particularly regardinghow people communicate, that influence the health of a relationship the most.
Among the most important findings is a set of communication habits dubbed “The Four Horsemen.”
What are the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse?
Those four horsemenconquest, war, hunger, and deathsignaled the end of times.
Of course, most people will use these habits from time to time in their relationships.
None of us are immune.
Criticism
The first of the four horsemen is criticism.
Criticism is different from complaint.
A complaint, however, focuses on the actual issue.
When you go to express this, you might either use “criticism” or “complaint.
you could see that the complaint focuses on the problemthe messy disheswhile the criticism makes the partner the problem.
This is likely to start a frustrating loop in which your partner will respond with defensiveness.
The antidote:
The use of criticism in a relationship is usually due to having unmet needs.
We can actuallypredict how a conversation is goingto go in the first three minutes.
Instead of criticism, take a stab at utilize the antidote of criticism: agentle startup.
I really need to walk into a peaceful environment.
(what you need).”
Defensiveness
Defensivenessis a reaction to perceived criticism.
Sometimes the criticism is actually there, and sometimes it’s simply a projection.
When people get defensive, they might:
There might be a good explanation.
Maybe the person is being mean to you.
Maybe you are right, and they never clean up their dishes.
Perhaps it’s true that if they just chilled out, they would be happier.
And, if you become defensive, the other person will believe that their need has not been heard.
And this is going to amp up the disconnect and likely even amp up the criticism.
you might also take a stab at validate their own perception and reality.
It can be hard to admit, but it’s really important for healthy relational functioning.
Stonewalling
The next of the four horsemen isstonewalling.
Stonewalling is exactly as it sounds: when someone in the conversation starts to act like a stone wall.
As the person experiencing the stonewalling, it might seem like their partner doesn’t care about them.
For the person stonewalling, it’s likely they are in a state of physiological flooding.
Physiological flooding happens when the body detects a threat.
In conflict, sometimes our bodies will detect it as any other threat.
This means that our body will release stress hormones, and we will experience a racing heart.
The parts of our brain responsible for relational behaviors goes offline.
When someone is physiologically flooded, it is not possible to have a productive conversation.
The person that is stonewalling needs to work toward self-soothing.
It takes about 20 minutes for the stress hormones to dump out of the bloodstream.
This return builds trust within the relationship.
Contempt
Contempt is the most dangerous of all of the four horsemen.
At minimum, it is very mean, and at worst, it becomes emotional abuse.
According to Gottman’s research, contempt has shown to be the biggest indicator of divorce.
Contempt is criticism supercharged because it takes a one-up position of superiority.
Contempt is developed through modeling or long-standing resentment.
Some people learn to be contemptuous because they saw their caregivers utilize contempt in conflict.
Because of this, it’s their go-to when they are upset.
For others, contempt has developed within the relationship in response to long-standing resentment or betrayal.
Specifically, you’ll need to learn to talk aboutyourselfrather than the other person when in conflict.
That might sound like:
“Right now, I can feel myself being so angry.
I want to say so many angry things to you, but I know it won’t go well.
I really need us to figure out how to fix this.”
Another important antidote and protective factor for contempt is building aculture of appreciation.
Repairing after conflict.
Everyone is bound to use one or more of the four horsemen at some point in their relationships.
