Discovering lasting happiness in arelationshipisn’t a guarantee, even when you’ve found your ideal partner.
My journey, both professionally and personally, consistently reinforces four foundational principles that withstand the test of time.
Allow me to present what I refer to as the Four Pillars.
Pillar 1: Responsibility
We are each responsible for our own happiness and well-being.
When we feel unhappy in our relationship, we tend to attempt to change our partner.
We just want our needs met by them as quickly as possible.
Turning inward first can feel daunting, the delay in gratification too utterly vast.
“Slow down to speed up,” I take a stab at inspire my clients.
“Investing first in yourself pays offyou are worth the investment.”
“Your friction is a good sign; you’re being called to grow.”
This is one of the first things I say to reassure new couples coming to counseling.
We don’t want to just go through it but grow through it.
As the African proverb says: Smooth seas never make skillful sailors.
According to the wisdom ofKabbalah, the universe is our mirror.
This mirroring of our growth shows up most especially in our committed relationships.
We are here to love one another more fully and push each other to grow.
How might you be stagnant as a couple?
It’s OK if partners don’t agree.
Feeling heard is indistinguishable from feeling loved, which opens our hearts' capacity for compromise and care.
Pillar 3: Priority
We make our partner the most important other person in our lives.
We often underestimate the continual effort required to prioritize our partner so they are certain of their importance.
It’s natural to take our blessings for granted.
We lose appreciation and forget how fragile relationships can be if we neglect them.
This is why we must nurture and fight for our long-term relationships, fight to not lose appreciation.
Fight to not get distracted by the fires we need to put out on a day-to-day basis.
Guess what most say?
If you have children, how would you do the ranking?
Nonetheless, most people (especially moms) rankkidsfirst, thenmarriage, thenself.
Here’s the order I recommend: self, marriage, kids.
Happy parents make better parents.
This final pillar is more abstract but equally important to continuous and growing happiness with your partner.
Finding your unique goal together should not be rushed.
Your sharing doesn’t need to be big or dramatic to add value.
When it comes to sharing goodness, there are no small actions.
I recommend reading over these pillars again and againideally with your partner.
Human tendency is to avoid our weak spots.
Adding your energy to your frailest pillars will likely yield the greatest transformation in your relationship.
Finally, do your best to inject joy and kindness into the process.
We all grow better when it’s light and we are having some fun.
