What’s your relationship to your feelings?
Do you generally embrace them and like to talk about them with others?
Or do you prefer to not get emotional and have a go at avoid negative feelings?
These different perspectives about emotions and feelings are known as meta-emotions.
What is a meta-emotion?
A meta-emotion is the way we “feel” about feelings.
They’re the emotions you have around your emotions, hence themeta.
Different people have different feelings about feelings.
For instance, some believe that feelings are helpful, while others see them as unproductive.
They believe that addressing the underlying emotions is an important aspect of conflict or connection.
They feel good about discussing, processing, and sharing emotions.
When people feel good about feelings, they often use “emotion coaching” in their communication.
Essentially, this means that they seek out feelingstheir own and their partner’s.
Other people believe that feelings are unproductive.
Their belief system tells them that exploring, sharing, and talking about feelings makes the problem worse.
It prevents moving through the issue.
These people generally haveuncomfortable feelings about their feelings.
For instance, when they feel anger, they feel disappointed that they have anger.
When they feel sadness, they feel embarrassed about the sadness.
Yes, I know…this soundssometa.
And it is really important work.
Do you emotion coach by asking questions, validating, reflecting, and exploring their feelings?
Are you able to empathize?
Do you withhold problem-solving until you verify you get their emotional experience?
Or do you jump into the role of solution coach?
When you hear a feeling, do you respond by giving an answer?
How did your parents, friends, and family respond to you when you had the feeling?
Does this mirror how you respond to people now?
They both are OK with being solution coaches.
When couples are matched as “emotion coaches,” they also do well with each other.
They build a healthy conflict culture together in which they explore each other’s emotions and respond to them.
This match creates a fulfilling relationship for them.
When people are mismatched, they tend to get into conflict about whose way is the right way.
Rather than recognizing that each person has a powerful skill to bring to the table, couples become gridlocked.
Let each other know that you are very aware there is a difference.
verify you identify this without judgment but rather with intrigue, curiosity, and acceptance of the reality.
(Here are someways to increase emotional intelligence.)
In order for both people to get what they need in the relationship, you must address emotions first.
Tend to the emotional experience by utilizing validation and curiosity with your partner.
Allow them to be the guide of their own internal world.
When you understand the way you react to your own emotions, you’re developing more self-awareness.
Ultimately, we all have emotions, andaccepting our emotions(and the way we feel about them!)
is part of developing self-compassion.
