Which raises the question: Is watching porn cheating?
It’s a tricky question, so we asked sex therapists to weigh in.
Is porn cheating?
Watching porn is not considered cheating in every relationship, but it can be in some relationships.
It depends on the relationship parameters the partners have agreed on.
“Cheating is, at its simplest, actions that cross the agreed-upon boundaries in a relationship.
But watching porn isn’t in itself a betrayal, Francis emphasizes.
The betrayal happens when one person knowingly crosses a line they’ve agreed not to cross in the relationship.
Certainly there is no touch and almost never any communication,” Richmond says.
“Most people watch for some sort of stress relief or anxiety reduction.
It isn’t as much about sex as it is about a biological physical release.
It is almost never about connecting with the performers.”
The problem with demonizing porn.
Everyone’s allowed to have their boundaries in a relationship.
“Arousal isn’t a threat.
Partners cannot control their partner’s behavior; you do not have agency over anyone else’s body.
Can porn negatively affect a relationship?
“Porn itself isn’t the risk to the relationship; not talking about it is.”
In general, research has produced mixed results about the effects of watching porn.
But according to Francis, that worry is often grounded in their partner’s insecurities about their own desirability.
“This topic can open up some really meaningful conversations within relationships,” she says.
Signs that porn is negatively affecting the relationship.
A conversation is imperative, no matter how awkward it might feel.
Likewise, your feelings about the issue are valid.
Explain what feelings are coming up for you now that you know about your partner’s porn use.
take a stab at convey these feelings without attacking or judging your partner for their porn use.
Give yourself a reality check.
Have you ever been aroused by anything that wasn’t directly related to your partner?
If yes (which is the answer for most people), that is normal.”
Make honesty a priority.
As Richmond points out, the secrecy is often more damaging than the porn use itself.
How can you foster an environment where your partner feels safe sharing intimate truths about themselves with you?
And how can they assure you that you might trust them to be honest going forward?
Check in on how well each other’s needs are being met in the relationship.
How connected are the two of you feeling these days?
Is there excitement and passion in the relationship?
Do you feel like your sexual and emotional needs are being met?
Do you both feel sexy and desired?
Build your sexual self-esteem.
Work onbuilding your sexual self-esteem,connecting with your own sexual energy, and enjoying thebenefits of masturbationyourself.
“Your partner can support this journey also,” Francis adds.
“How does your relationship make room for sexual attention, flirtation, or just compliments?”
Make space for compromise.
Richmond suggests considering options like watching porn together (mutual masturbationis a thing!)
or even creating your own.
A professional can guide you through these tough conversations and help you get creative with solutions.
