When I was young and naiveOK, maybe not all that youngI hadan affair with a married man.
I’m not proud of it.
But I chose not to let it define me.
Painful situations, after all, tend to teach us the lessons we remember best.
Live in such a way that you might be proud of who you are.
And that doesn’t mean not making mistakes.
It means failing, learning from those failures, and failing better next time.
It means allowing your pain to teach you rather than define you.
I hope learning from my experience will save you from some future pain yourself.
Here’s what I learned:
1.
There is no feeling that renders values irrelevant.
My mama raised a good girl.
The truth is, I was unprepared for anything like what the year 2016 had to offer.
Not only were the consequences of my actions painful in themselves, but my self-worth took a major hit.
And, over time, I realized that nothing is worth that.
Passion isn’t some elusive, magical substance.
It can be stoked or extinguished at will.
When I met the married man, he certainly did everything he could to stoke the fire.
Admiring glances, encoded compliments, accidentally bumping into me in the coffee shop, several times.
But instead of extinguishing my feelings, I let myself lean into those feelings.
Yup, its true.
It is much harder to get over a relationship that happened than a relationship that didn’t.
Its not easy to get rid of memories.
As a psychologist, I knew well that it just takes time.
But I tried to bury them anyway.
I tried to destroy the flowers, but I couldn’t.
That’s when I finally got itI mean, on a personal level.
I started to practice what I preach in therapy sessions every day.
I stopped trying to kill the memories and started to just noticed them instead.
I let them float by.
Slowly, they started to subside until there was nothing left to notice at all.
People show you who they are from day one.
It saves you a lot of pain and confusion if you simply believe them.
This one is obvious.
The same is true for cheating.You are almost definitely not the exception to the rule of fidelity.
Cheating is not a one-off; it’s a way of life.
The kind of person who would cheat on their spouse is not the kind of partner you want.
The most painful relationships often serve as the most effective catalysts for uncovering our true wants and needs.
When I was with the married man, I convinced myself that I didnt want to remarry anyway.
It turns out, that wasn’t just denial.
But I also learned what manifestations of commitment are important to me.
Friends are very important when everything goes pear-shaped.
When the dust settled, and I was alone again, my friends were there for me.
Women who date married men tend to isolate themselves from friends and family.
Whatever their reasons, isolation is never good and can be dangerous in an emotional firestorm.
Thats what I learned from having an affair with a married man.
I wouldnt give up what Ive learned, and I definitely wont forget it.
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