Have you ever had the urge to help someone you love, followed by a nagging feeling of doubt?
Maybe you wondered, “Wait.
Am I being supportive hereor am I enabling them?”
Most of us are conditioned to behave in pro-social ways, to be helpful and “good.”
At a young age, we learn our behaviors affect those around us for better or worse.
What it means toenablesomeoneand why it’s a problem.
There’s a big difference between supporting someone and enabling them.
As an example, let’s consider a couple named Shania and Louis.
Shania works as a TV producer.
Louis is a computer programmer frustrated with his stalled career.
Shania’s attempts to support Louis end up being moreenablingthan helpful.
They reinforce his overreliance on her and underreliance on himself.
They also contribute to hislow self-esteem.
He starts thinking he’s not capable of solving his own problems.
Supporting means youoffer assistance.
You help someone bear the weight or burden of an issue or problem.
When you support, you acknowledge the person you’re supporting is the master of their own destiny.
You have faith in another person’s capacity to make their own choices, and alsomaybemostimportantlytheir own mistakes.
When someone makes their own mistakes, they have an opportunity to learn from them and to grow.
Enabling is when yougive someone the power or means to do something.
What to do instead.
When Shania realized she was enabling Louis rather than supporting him, she took a different tack.
But I can’t help you find a job.
I also need you to contribute to our family.
In truth, Shania was afraid Louis would leave her and their daughters.
Being supportive rather than enabling raised her anxiety level and left her feeling vulnerable.
But she consciously chose to expect more from Louis rather than feeling sorry for him.
Louis got angry, at first.
He accused Shania of controlling him.
At the same time, he began looking more seriously for a job.
After three weeks, he found a part-time job as a software developer.
It wasn’t ideal, but he took it.
Going to work again and interacting with colleagues helped him feel engaged and useful.
Or is it truly about helping this person grow and thrive?"
The takeaway.
Enabling reflects our own discomfort with boundaries, uncertainty, and letting go of an outdated identity.
Supporting someone often has the potential to propel them further than they might have gone without our support.
As the popular saying goes,“Give a person a fish, and they eat for a day.
Teach them to fish, and they eat for a lifetime.”
This saying encapsulates the difference between enabling and supporting.
