After talking about this for decades, I finally put it in my bookLove Cycles.
Some people move through these five cycles quietly.
Others feel compelled to act out a (potentially explosive) drama.
Many of us do a little of both.
However they manifest, these developmental stages are built into our relationships.
Though the stages are inevitable, the way we respond to them is not.
We can be self-aware participants, in charge of our lives.
The first step, of course, is to know the cycles.
People become obsessed with the wonder and delight of their new partner.
We see only the best in our lover.
Everything about them is golden.
The love potion does wear off.
Power struggles increase, and we wonder at the change in our partner.
As our disappointment escalates, so do our biological responses to stress.
Alternatively, you may be the kind of person who cant bear conflict.
Once the love bubble bursts, youre out of there.
Its hard to give up the idea of a perfect partner, but we can choose how to respond.
We can try our best to offer goodwill and kindness, even as tension thickens.
We can consciously decide to work to increase our sense of tolerance and acceptance.
Unfortunately, these possibilities dont tend to surface during this cycle.
Disillusionment
At this point, trouble seems to be all there is.
Of course, because were human, we wont always respond to our lover from our highest selves.
At times, jealousy, anger, hurt, and pride will get the best of us.
We have the power to make that choice.
Decision
This is the crisis point.
Or we may continue to live together but to lead separate lives otherwise, without the hope of intimacy.
If we do make the choice to part ways, can we wish our former partner the best?
If thats too hard, can we at least not wish them the worst?
Another possibility is to decide to learn the skills that make relationships thrive and to practice them.
It is in this last stage that we come to love wholeheartedly.
Some of us are lucky enough to enjoy a strong connection with the same partner for a long stretch.
In this sense, every relationship is an inside job.
Inside us is where it starts and inside is where it ends too.
For more on how to keep your relationship happy and healthy, start here:
