At its core, narcissism is selfishness and entitlement taken too far.
Narcissists stretch the boundaries of self-confidence to embody a superiority complex and exhibit a lack ofempathytoward others.
Living with or loving a person who hasnarcissistic traitsis no easy feat.
By then, they may have normalized narcissistic abuse and have no clue how to recover.
What is narcissistic abuse?
Narcissistic abuse is a specific form of abuse perpetrated by narcissists.
According to Mead, it typically looks like one partner manipulating the other for personal gain.
Narcissistic abuse also tends to involve copious amounts of gaslighting, Mead adds.
When this happens repeatedly, the victim begins to question their own self-worth, intuition, and reality.
“There can be physical abuse, controlling one’s money, free time, friendships, and opinions.
The abusive partner may justify these actions by claiming to be well intentioned.
Where narcissism comes from.
Perlin says that narcissism often stems from childhood experiences.
The fact is that narcissism is hard to diagnose.
Narcissistic abuse syndrome.
“They can no longer distinguish their thoughts from the abuser’s.
Victims learn to auto-agree with the abuser without questioning or considering their own thoughts.”
“Recovering from toxic or narcissistic relationships takes time,” she says.
“You feel fragile, unsure of yourself, and unable to trust.
These are all signs that you are inrecovery from an abusive relationship.”
With time and help from a professional psychotherapist, you’re free to heal.
Warning signs to look out for.
Below are some specific tactics narcissists might use to control their victim.
Unlikesociopaths, who seem to enjoy witnessing others in pain, narcissists just enjoy getting what they want.
They don’t necessarily revel in the situations they produce and may not even notice that they are hurtful.
While some controlling behaviors are subtle, all are persistent.
Expect that a narcissistic person will lie, cheat, or withhold information to get their way repeatedly.
For narcissists, control is equivalent to power.
Self-focus
Narcissistic abusers are self-aggrandizing and self-centered.
Sometimes, displays of violence make others awe-struck.
Other times, they intimidate.
Gaslighting
Psychologists say thatgaslightingis manipulation meant to disorient.
This technique is employed to make another person question their reality.
The entire point of this technique is to remain in a powerful position in relation to others.
Once in control of the narrative, they believe they can control outcomes to their own benefit.
Victims report feeling disoriented about social norms after having been disconnected for so long.
This might look like being standoffish in social configs or avoiding those who the narcissist may deem threatening.
A lack of grounding relationships outside of the abuser results in the victim’s social isolation.
Creating mistrust for those outside the relationship
Mistrust of others is a natural progression from social isolation.
These invasions of digital privacy can be just as intrusive and damaging as physical isolation.
They may even threaten to share intimate images or secrets on social media networks.
Verbal abuse
In its most egregious form, verbal snipes become emotional abuse.
Name-calling, blaming, and judging can give way to threats, yelling, and the silent treatment.
And while verbal abuse may not involve physically touching a person, these interactions can still be violent.
Narcissists' superiority complex also helps them justify bullying and harassment.
Remember, narcissists want attention.
When manipulation is no longer working, they may grow more aggressive and coercive.
Hoovering
Hooveringis a form of emotional blackmail that’s common among narcissistic abusers.
This technique is coined after the vacuum company because it sucks a person back into another cycle of abuse.
This could look like finally validating the victim’s feelings or easing prior restrictions on social behaviors and interactions.
But this refractory period tends to be rather brief.
Victims report that abusers read their journals, diaries, or private emails.
Strategic people-pleasing
Researchers say that some narcissism comes from guilt or shame from childhood experiences.
Even in adulthood, those nuggets of self-doubt might be buried but not forgotten.
Censorship
Narcissists have a way of making their victims feel like they’re walking on eggshells.
Victims of narcissistic abuse may find themselves suffering from hypervigilance or racing thoughts.
Implicitly, narcissists have ingrained a code of conduct.
Therefore, censorship becomes the norm.
Partners of narcissists may say things, like “I don’t want to say the wrong thing.
You should really ask him/her what is best.
I’m afraid I’ll say or do something that s/he won’t like.
It is best that I stay out of this.”
All of these statements show a power dynamic tipped toward the side of the abuser.
This means a victim may attempt to intervene before criticism gets to the narcissist.
They may improve a situation quietly and let the abuser take credit.
Or they will make excuses to soften the blow.
These are common cover-ups.
But old patterns die hard, and both parties may find themselves replicating those old situations.
How to deal with it & seek help.
Although it is possible for a narcissist to seek treatment, it is rare.
Recovering fromtoxic relationshipstakes time because, after such a relationship, everyone seems threatening.
“In therapy, we also explore why and how you got into this relationship.
Often this involves exploring unhealed childhood wounds and lifelong people-pleasing behavior,” Mead explains.
“When trust in self and trust in others returns, healing begins to take place.”
The bottom line.
Falling in love with a narcissist is easy to do, but staying in love is not.
Talking through what happened in one toxic relationship tends to uncover many more lurking in the shadows.
Seeking professional help is imperative to breaking patterns of physical and psychological abuse.
