As people say, sometimes your past comes back to haunt you.
About five years ago I met someone we’ll call Josh via Tinder.
He was charismatic and smart, and I was new to New York and desperate for something stable.
As our relationship progressed, red flags sprung up, but I was too manipulated by his charm.
I finally ended the relationship when he became physical during a nasty fight.
Will I not realize it until I’m knee-deep in it again?
My relationship with him has somehow put a negative filter over any new relationships I’ve created.
Until we face these issues, we’ll most likely bring our baggage into each new relationship.
It’s comforting to know how I’m feeling is a physiologically appropriate response.
It’s normal for traumatic relationships to have such an impact on someone’s life.
Besides, everyone has baggage in some form or another.
That being said,physical changesactuallycanhelp to some degree, explains Massachusetts-based psychological counselor Morella Devost.
They can help you “remap your subconscious mind” as you create a new life, she says.
In other words, purging your physical space can help you purge your mental space.
For me, it was so liberating to dispose of anything and everything that reminded me of Josh.
Give those items a new start by donating whatever you could and throwing away the rest.
Open up with trust.
Since my relationship with Josh, I told maybe a total of two guys about what I went through.
So I kept it to myselfand let it consume me.
“Then compare this to current evidence from your partner’s actions.
(If they’re not, then this is the time to have a conversation about that.)
Leader encourages opening up to our partners about our past if we fully trust them.
“If this part of your story is named, then you could team up against this insecurity.
Awareness will help them notice actions that might make you feel insecure, scared, or distrusting.”
On top of that, you should look into simple practices like affirmations, deep self-care, and journaling.
The beauty of these exercises is that you might turn to them whenever you feel triggered and overwhelmed.
Devost especially recommends journaling because it can help yousort out your thoughts and feelingsabout the relationship and yourself.
Healing from my relationship with Josh hasn’t been easy, and it isn’t entirely over.
It’s a process in which I’m learning more about myself both alone and with a partner.
