For many women, this pandemic has been uniquely overwhelming.
This is why so many women don’t start this conversation.
They imagine that if they start it, the emotion will be explosive and destructive.
Youcanget to an easier, more satisfying place with your partner.
Step one: Have a direct conversation about this.
Yes, it’s time to sit down and do it.
Lead with how you feel.
What would make you feel more equal and supported?
Avoid the blame game.
It’s not your fault or your partner’s fault.
This is true for most heterosexual relationships, and no one person or couple is to blame.
This is the culture we live in.
“Repeat after me: This is happening to both of us!
We are both the product of a society where gender roles have been polarized.”
Have this be part of the conversation you have with your partner.
Make equality an open priority.
Stop saying women are just “naturally” better at this stuff.
You’ve probably heard some variation of this: “Well, women are just better with kids!”
Same with cleaning and organizing, and meal prep, and so on.
Couples will actually “amplify personality differences, which are often based on myths about gender differences.”
Ladies, you’re not naturally better than your man at doing house stuff.
Avoid gatekeeping.
Gatekeeping can be a big barrier to an equal division of labor.
These behaviors discourage your partner from being actively engaged in the work and taking initiative.
Trust your partner to get the job done.
Instead, explain to him why you care about a certain way of doing a certain task.
Ask him to care about the things you care about, as a way he can show you love.
Additionally, learn to let go where possible.
There will be some inefficiencies at first, and that will annoy you.
Use positive encouragement instead of complaints.
“Research shows that happy couples actively look for positive traits in their partner.
In times of stress, it’s easy to focus on what isn’t going well.
But most people are much more motivated by positive encouragement than avoiding complaints,” Pepin explains.
Say thank you, often.
Whenever either of you notices the other has done a household task, directly thank them.
That’s the point.
The partner doing less than their fair share can then take the initiative without being asked.
Do things together.
That way, you’re ensuring that you’re each generally spending the same amount of time doing chores.
Address the mental load.
So let’s say a husband is going to grocery shop for the family.
“Any negotiation of housework should incorporate this kind of work too.”
Some people refer to this as the “mental load.”
Here’s a helpfulcomic about the mental loadthat can help you further understand what this looks like.
Share it with your partner so they know what you mean.
How can you not only divide up tasks but also the responsibility for managing all the tasks?
Be flexible.
It’s OK to have to swap tasks or do something outside your decided game plan sometimes.
Be gracious, generous, and forgiving.
Most of all, be patient.
Keep checking in.
You are not going to solve this in one conversation.
Perl recommends setting a weekly check-in time to see how things are going and how you’re both feeling.
Scheduling those check-ins can also help you both take this seriously and really commit to making changes.
“You and your partner are not adversaries.”
