We dont understand the preferences of others or ourselves.
Sure, we can examine the biography of a person, but fundamentally we are in the dark.
Children may playact that they are in jail.
But if they were in jail, they wouldnt be playing as a prisoner.
So, why do we have fantasies that aren’t in alignment with what we want in reality?
My colleagueMichael Baderaptly said that a good fantasy states the problem and offers the solution.
The imagination, of course, is not always politically correct.
For instance, a rape fantasy is just that: a fantasy of forced seduction.
Don’t play the shame game.
If you are openly disgusted, you are effectively slamming the gate and running off into the wilderness.
By closing off the conversation or reacting with disgust, we induce shame and guilt in the other.
The erotic mind is very sensitive to censorship, and it knows when it needs to go into hiding.
So, if your partner reveals himself or herself to you, dont shut them down.
That creates a power dynamic that is far removed from the inner erotic sanctum.
Be why-curious.
I have a friend who doesnt understand why people like to eat pickled octopus.
Like taste, fantasy can induce the ick factor for others.
Ask your partner about their particular fantasy.
What is it about it your fantasy that is pleasurable?
Is it that you get to be passive?
By remaining curious and open, we are asking the other: Who are you?
Try something new.
His fantasy made her feel inadequate and cuckolded: Why did he have to imagine another woman?
She could bring her own imagination to it so that they both owned the game.
Taste, like our palate as we grow from children to adults, can evolve and change.
Be open to trying new flavorsyou may find something you like.
Want more insight into your sexuality?