“It’s a siege.”
12 tips for breaking up with a narcissist
Stop trying to keep the narcissist accountable.
With most people, you might have reasonable discussions of when certain behaviors are unacceptable.
The goalposts are always changing, and you walk on eggshells, with your sense of reality gradually eroding.
And then you get blamed for calling them out, even if they’re hurting you.
Hold on to those moments of clarity.
Hold on to it, and come back to this moment again and again.
Because you will forget the logic behind why you say that.
It’s OK. As long as you remember the conclusion you’ve drawn."
This will fuel you with the strength to keep walking away and never look back.
Remember that just because you’ve changed doesn’t mean they can.
The problem is, narcissists often cannot and will not change.
Every so-called change is piecemeal and ephemeral, and you pay for that dearly.
Stop worrying about being a bad person.
“If I judge him, doesn’t that make meunspiritual?
Then I am as bad as him!”
Many clients come to me with this sort of sentiment.
There is an inherent problem with the maxim “Don’t judge.”
Discernment does not make you a bad person.
It makes you a wiser person.
Recognize your mistakesbut don’t let them be used as a weapon against you.
Yes, you were not perfect.
You did bad things too.
Not only in your life, but in the relationship.
When you were pushed and provoked, you might’ve snapped.
You might’ve said mean things in the heat of the moment.
The narcissist uses these instances against you, saying you areequallyto blame.
They’ll use lines like, “Remember how good things used to be between us.
It’sallyour fault I’m like this now.”
They’ll have a go at make you feel you have no right to call them a narcissist.
Yes, you might’ve made bad decisions or done “bad” things.
You’re not a saint.
That doesn’t mean it’s crucial that you be stomaching another person’s literal and figurative punches.
Stop trying to explain away the narcissist’s behavior.
you could rationalize everything away when it comes to a narcissist, and that’s not a good thing.
It’s not your job to analyze why or to get caught in the smoke and mirrors.
Trauma is stored in our bodiesand doesn’t disappear simply with logical or positive thinking.
The only way through is to process and release it rather than analyze till the cows come home.
Don’t fall for their post-breakup mind games.
(This behavior is sometimes known ashoovering.)
They question why they are “weak and useless,” and they want to give up.
Here’s the deal.
Narcissists move on to distract themselves, prey on a new source of attention, or punish you.
This is why they move on so easily.
So stop stalking them on social media or asking mutual friends about them.
Your progress is yours and yours alone.
I also advocate that my clients block the narcissist from all forms of contact if possible.
Don’t blame yourself.
When breaking up with a narcissist, you might fall into the trap of blaming yourself.
For walking away, getting involved, not walking away, not seeing the red flags basically, everything.
Marshall explains that from the start, the narcissist capitalizes on your tendency to self-blame.
They’ll increasingly make you responsible for the fact that their world isn’t good.
Many of my clients who attract narcissists tend to be bothtype A personalitiesand empathetic.
Here’s the deal: Every time you blame yourself, your narcissistic ex wins.
They continue to abuse you because you are abusing yourself.
Unpack your oldest traumas and vulnerabilities.
“I don’t care or want to talk about my childhood.
It doesn’t matter,” some of my clients tell me.
The truth is, it does.
The truth is, it matters to you and for you.
With a coherent story of your past, you start to heal.
Know there’s never a right time to leave.
“Many clients often say, ‘I can’t do it now,'” Marshall tells me.
There willalwaysbe another crisis next time.
Sometimes there is no good time; you just have to leave."
Lean on your support system.
It takes a village, and having that village doesn’t make you weak.
(mbg has afull guide on co-parenting with a narcissistif that’s a factor.)
Be good to yourself.
My Olympian friend Peter Shmocksimply calls it"being good to yourself."
I often remind them that learning to be kind feels harder than their surgical residency or seven-figure business deal.
They laugh because it’s true.
Consider it a form of training in your mental gym.
FAQ:
What does a narcissist do when you break up with them?
What should you say when breaking up with a narcissist?
It’s okay if they don’t fully understand or agree with your decision.
The takeaway.
Stick to your convictions, and know that you do deserve to be in ahealthy, loving relationship.
Healing starts with you rooting for yourself, just as I’m rooting for you.
