Many of thebest breakup guidestell the brokenhearted to lean on their friends.
But what if you’re the friend they tap on, and you have no clue where to start?
As a friend, you may feel a heart tug to help but you don’t know how.
You may want to check in on your friend but don’t want to overstep.
So, here is a guide to help you stay mindful while caring for a heartbroken friend.
Helping a friend through a breakup.
Breakups are where friends are needed.
(Here’show to help a friend dealing with depression, by the way.)
As such, the role of friends during a breakup can’t be understated.
Leaning into the concept of impact versus intent is key.
you gotta think through how your actions will actually impact your friendbecause this breakup is not about you.
Whatnotto do.
Even if you’ve been through a breakup before, everyone likes to be cared for in different ways.
You may think you know what your friend wants during this vulnerable time, but you might be wrong.
The only way to be sure is to ask your friend directly what they want or need.
“And if you’re not sure, just ask them!
Some things you’re free to ask: ‘Do you want me to be petty?
Do you want me to hype you up?
Do it’s crucial that you vent to me right now?'”
Let your friend take the lead for how they want to process their breakup.
Do not overrely on drugs or alcohol.
It might feel comforting in the moment to share a bottle of wine and cry it out.
Keeping long-term solutions in mind, you eventually want to encourage your friend to take care of themselves holistically.
As a friend, you’re there to provide little nudges throughout the breakup.
Do not bash the ex.
But talking down or badly about the ex isn’t helpful in the long term.
As the saying goes, “Where your mind goes, your energy flows.”
This doesn’t mean that I justify their feelings or even have to forgive them.
It also doesn’t mean something is wrong with me for continuing to love them.
It just means we’re all human."
Do not push them to do things your way.
Again, we all heal differently.
“Try not to pass judgment on how a person chooses to heal,” Shuavarnnasri says.
Shuavarnnasri says practicing nonviolent communication skills can help in these situations.
Nonviolent communication is “when we use empathy and compassion within our language,” they explain.
I’m also noticing some behaviors that might be hindering your healing process.
Are you open to hearing my suggestions?"
Do not rush the process.
“Everyone grieves differently, and there is no timetable for grief.
Grieving the breakup of a relationship can take anywhere from six months to two years.”
Breakups are different for everyone.
Setting a time limit on expected healing milestones isn’t helpful, nor is it realistic.
As Shuavarnnasri points out, healing is not a linear process.
(Here’s more onhow long it takes to get over a breakup.)
Ways you’re able to help.
It is more helpful to communicate your capacity to help instead of overpromising and overcommitting.
Be considerate about how you’re showing up for them.
Create safe space.
“It is important to create a safe space for a friend to express their feelings after a breakup.
Validate your friend’s feelings, even digitally.
Validating feelings can sound like:
Respect your friend’s boundaries.
Related to following their lead, Togun-Butler says to confirm you respect your friend’s boundaries.
They may not be ready to talk or see anyone.
If they clearly communicate that they don’t want to be bothered just yet, respect their requests.
“Do not violate the boundariesset up by your friend as they grieve the loss.
Emotional boundaries are necessary to ensure emotional health,” she says.
Make space for grief.
“There is no time limit or rush when it comes to healing.
Keep your friend at the center of conversation.
Help them self-care.
Encourage joy.
Emotional processing, especially after a breakup, is a lot of work.
you’re able to be the friend who brings some lightheartedness to the season of healing.
It could be a great time to rediscover layers of your friendship.
Perhaps you met at a dance class, and you could learn a new routine together.
Or you might enjoy beauty, so you try out a new skin routine together.
Anything that can bring out joy in your friend is a good starting point.
Give it time, and tap on the professionals when needed.
Togun-Butler notes that getting over a breakup can take anywhere from a few months to a few years.
The bottom line.
For some, romantic breakups conjure some of the most emotionally complex moments in their lives.
One moment they’re sad, then angry, momentarily happy, then sad all over again.
