Incodependent relationships, your partner’s well-being becomes fundamentally entangled with your well-being.
You may find yourself confused as you have a go at make choices and decisions.
Our partner’s strengths offer a counterweight to our weaknesses, and our strengths to their weaknesses.
How codependency works.
Let’s book a flight to Miami, together.
I found us the perfect B&B.
I’ll buy the tickets.
you’ve got the option to pay me back later."
You’ve been feeling lonely, and you’re grateful she’s thinking of you.
At the same time, you don’t want to travel right now.
“You have to do this!”
“You won’t regret it!
Flights are cheap.”
“It sounds lovely…” you hesitate.
I knew you’d agree."
When you get off the phone, you feel disoriented.
“This will be good,” you venture to convince yourself.
“Maybe she’s right and I need to get away.”
you could’t imagine backing out of the trip now.
The idea of telling your friend you don’t want to go doesn’t even cross your mind.
How to stop being codependent:
Contextualize your codependent tendencies.
Collectivistic cultures celebrate many of the qualities individualistic cultures consider “codependent.”
It means you’re a relational survivor.
Codependency also has a psychological function.
Find ways to more fully acknowledge the value in these parts of yourself.
Practice small acts of “smart selfishness.”
Remember that codependency falls on a spectrum.
It’s not a fixed, absolute category.
Could you respond differently and feel better, in the long run?
Don’t judge or berate yourself.
Get to know your own true needs.
Distinguish true needs from fear and avoidance.
Make a regular practice of slowing down, soothing yourself, and checking in with what youreallyneed.
Practice clear, direct communication.
If someone says, “Are you free tonight?”
Clear communication begins with communicating clearly with yourself.
Allow people to see more than just the “pleasing,” peacekeeping, or diplomatic version of you.
Stay on your side of the fence.
Trust people to find their own way and resolve their own challenges.
Your own goodness shines through, even when you disappoint people.
Nurture your own unconditional self-love.
Self-judgment undermines our ability to love ourselves and others.
Always find things to celebrate in yourself, especially when it’s hard.
Let go of your stories.
Recognize worst-case-scenario stories as they surface in your mind.
Release attachment to outcome.
Releasing attachment to outcome requires a willingness to tolerate the unknown and live with uncertainty.
It’s critical to practice this regularly when you’re trying to overcome codependency.
Releasing outcome simply means learning to tolerate the possibility of disappointing important others in your life.
Yes, you may disappoint people.
Yes, they may temporarily have negative feelings toward you.
Remind yourself that your worth and value don’t rest on making others happy.
Meditate, pray, journal, connect with others.
This, in turn, can increase trust in your own present-moment experiences.
This is where life can be most fully lived.
