“I’d love that,” she said.
“But most of all, I’d love some fresh orange juice.”
A few minutes later, he returned and handed her the soup.
“Thanks, Jason,” she said.
“But what I really want is the orange juice.”
Jason’s smile turned into a frown, and then he looked angry.
“Well, I’m sorry,” he said, angrily.
Look, it’s just never enough for you, is it?"
Kim left the interaction feeling frustrated and disappointed, while Jason felt unfairly criticized and unappreciated.
What if he had said, “I’m sorry; I totally forgot.
Should I go back and get some?
I know you wanted that most.”
Imagine how different they would have both felt, whether or not he ended up going back.
What causes defensiveness.
We all have protective mechanisms, and these mechanisms are necessary for our survival.
When they are underdeveloped, we exhibit poor boundaries and accept all complaints as our fault or responsibility.
Both of these extremes can harm our relationships.
Additionally, defensiveness requires a lot of energy to maintain.
Although it’s meant to minimize our feelings of shame, it actually deepens them.
Moreover, defensive behavior from one partner will likely lead the other partner toshut down emotionally.
So why do we do it?
Inborn temperament is involvedsome people are simply born with thinner skin than others.
Childhood history is also another factor that can determine your reaction style and intensity.
Your childhood history deeply informs how you respond to criticism.
This is an unconscious, automatic response to a perceived danger.
How to talk to someone who always gets defensive.
That said, defensiveness can cause a lot of trouble.
But it can be overcome.
It takes time for new patterns to form.
Relationships are hard, and doubly so when defensive behavior makes it impossible to discuss issues.
