A man is about to leave the house in the morning to go to work.
Kissing his wife goodbye, he buries his face in her hair to inhale her scent.
His arms circle her waist to pull her closer.
Her body molds to his, and they breathe together for a moment, both feeling excited.
Then he looks at his watch and hurries off, waving goodbye to her.
What is this couple doing?
In sex therapy we call it “simmering.”
That generally means noorgasms, no rhythmic stroking, no heavy breathing.
Nothing that’s going to leave you too frustrated after you have to stop.
That’s a mistake.
Most couples need to get aroused together much more frequently than that.
Teenagers simmer all the time.
Here’s a classic example:
Two young people are high school sweethearts.
During a five-minute break between classes, they meet at a prearranged spot.
They smile, kiss, stroke each other’s hair, and enjoy each other’s scent.
They embrace and their bodies mold together.
Then the bell rings.
You remember the feeling, right?
You get to your next class feeling somewhat buzzed.
The intoxication, of course, issexual arousal in actionmaking you just a little more distracted than usual.
All that’s necessary is to recognize that there’s more to sexual arousal than just sex.
Simmering helps cultivate the right kind of erotic climate in a relationship.
Most couples' erotic climate is sustained more by simmering than by sex.
Grind up against your partner in bed and say, “This is just simmering, OK?”
Chances are, they’ll be happy for the attention.
The difference between simmering and cuddling.
Don’t confuse simmering with “cuddling.”
Simmering is good for your sex life together.
Cuddling not so much.
Too much cuddling can neuter your relationship.
Some people cuddle rather than simmer, because they’re afraid offrustrating their partners.
They forget that physical intimacy should be a little frustrating.
That’s what keeps you in the game.
Some women married to men try not to do anything that would give their husbands an erection.
We men like being hard.
It’s not a painful condition.
Erections come and go.
Not every erection has to end in orgasm.
If your man doesn’t know this, he needs to learn it.
The simmering payoff.
Instead of kissing your partner goodbye in the morning, why not simmer them goodbye?
Hold them close for a bit longer than usual.
Inhale the scent of their hair.
There’s a moment here that won’t come again.
Yes,I know you’re anxious about the day ahead.
But this is important too.
One or two minutes to simmer, on the way out the door in the morning.
A pretty good recipe for keeping anerotic connection, for even the most harried modern couple.
The payoff in good lovemaking later can be dramatic.
Just heat and serve.
Excerpted fromLove Worth Makingby Stephen Snyder.
Copyright 2018 by the author and reprinted with permission of St. Martin’s Press, LLC.
