Picture yourself coming into contact with a saber-tooth tiger.
Your brain’s limbic systemthe primitive part of your brain wired for survivalflips into fight-or-flight mode.
Maybe you’re strong and have weapons, so you fight.
Or maybe there’s no way you’ll survive that, so you run away.
But beyond the fight-flight-freeze options, there’s a fourth trauma response that we seldom acknowledge: fawning.
For example, with freezing, we play dead so the enemy will leave us alone.
Put simply, we are run by an unconscious belief systemwhat social psychologist Ronnie Januff-Bulman calls ourassumptive world1.
However, a traumatic incident can shatter our assumptive world, leading us to tell ourselvesdifferentstories.
What is fawning?
It’s over-niceness that stems from us learning that it’s the only way we could survive an ordeal.
Importantly, it’s not only childhood experiences that can create this trauma response.
Something that happens anywhere along your timeline can change you forever.
You blame yourself, and you needlessly say sorryallthe time.
It’s a toxic cocktail of having too much empathy, avoiding conflict, and people-pleasing.
Worse still, to thrust the burden upon your shoulders to make them feel better or rescue them.
Flattering others, in an exaggerated fashion
In a word, fawning makes us obsequious.
As anechoist, you’re delicious bait for toxic personality types.
Be clear about what they are.
Some of us know them, but we don’t believe we have permission to have them.
And anyone who repeatedly violates your boundaries is doing that on purpose.
But let’s remove the blinkers.
And so it’s easier to go along with the needs and wishes of someone else.
In this case, get aware of your feelings and how an experience makes you feel.
Start to sharpen your emotional vocabulary with afeelings wheel.
This way, you know how your thoughts, feelings, and physicality are linked.
Embrace your strengths and quirks
People who fawn downplay themselves.
Your personality is what makes you shine.
Allow yourself to be surprised.
Practice expressing a side of you that you keep under wraps.
If you have a secret talent or hobby, share it with people who care or who are similar.
Or post it on social media, because the world needs to be inspired by you.
Say things other than “sorry”
“Thank you for waiting.
““Excuse me.”
These are things you’re free to say instead of “sorry.”
This way, when you actually have to apologize, you’re truly sincere.
If no, move on.
Praise only when appropriate
The most sincere compliments are specific, appropriate, and delightfully unexpected.
Instead of blanket words like"You’re so lovely"or"Amazing!
Also, go beyond the obvious.
Partner with atrained professionalto treat both the roots and symptoms of your trauma.
This way, trauma stops replaying in your body and mind in the present moment.
You update the OS of your phone all the time.
It’s time you update the OS ofyou.