When I hear their story of sexual disconnection, it sounds all too familiar.
Ben’s story is one of frustration that they only occasionally have sex.
They both agree that when they do engage in sex, the encounter itself goes well enough.
Yet that doesn’t lead to another roll in the hay for quite some time.
In sexuality, knowledge is truly powerful.
So let’s unpack the real sources of all this distress.
The power of negative messages.
Yet the truth is, all people are products of their culture.
The good news is, the lingering impact of negative messages can be softened.
How did those messages affect how you feel about sex?
The two types of desire.
There are actually two basic types of sexual desire: spontaneous and responsive.
We’re very familiar with the spontaneous jot down.
They seem to be up for sex most anytime.
or falsely concluding, “I’m just not a sexual person.”
Many women have what’s known as responsive sexual desire.
These are not just factors affecting your interest in sex; they arecentral.
There’s nothing wrong with you for not being interested.
You just need a change in context.
A common experience for responsive people is that desire shows upafterarousal.
It’s just not advertised.
What this means is that you have to change the question from, “Am I feeling frisky?”
to “Am I open to engaging in touch?”
Most people don’t even know responsive sexual desire existseven the very people whose desire works like this.
I was once describing responsive sexual desire to my husband, and he said, “That’s interesting.
That’s not what you see in the movies.”
The media, a major provider of sex education, only depicts spontaneous sexual desire.
As it turns out, spontaneous people often find themselves in relationships with responsive people.
I’ve found this often to be true in same-gender couples as well.
So these groups need to get to know each other.
When I explain responsive desire to Ben, his jaw drops and doesn’t close for a while.
Whereas Sara is nodding vigorously, “That’s me.
That’s meI’ve just never known how to explain it.”
Changing the context.
A consequence for many women growing up today is that sexuality wasn’t about them and their pleasure.
Their bodies aren’t yet ready to be stimulated sexually.
This is also a couple’s project.
Do you approach her in a way that’s enticing to her?
Do you send her affectionate orsexy text messages?
Think of your early days of flirtingyou showed interest and enthusiasm for everything about her.
You paid attention to her.
If she’s tired, do you offer to take on tasks to give her a break?
What about unresolved conflict or repetitive bickering?
For those like Sara, this is a huge buzzkill.
I’m still furious with you!"
Try finding a better way to resolve conflict so there’s not simmering resentment in the air.
Enjoyable sex happens in a context that takes you into account.
The bottom line.
Getting back on that track of having a pleasurable sex life isn’t about the stars aligning just right.
