For many people, their sex life does start that way.
If you’re having sexual problems in your relationship, you are not alone.
Some experts say15 to 20 percent of married couplesare currently in a sexless marriage.
Many more have sex infrequently.
The sexual avoidance cycle.
The cycle starts when sex doesn’t live up to your expectations.
When those ideas aren’t met, you may feel inadequate, broken, worried, or sad.
It can become fraught with anxiety, like a test that you expect to fail.
Bad feelings lead to avoidance.
It’s human nature to avoid things that make us feel bad and that create anxiety.
Of course you aren’t eager for sex when one of you feels lousy afterward.
This is the stage where sex becomes the elephant in the room.
Unfortunately, avoiding something only makes it worse.
The pressure around sex starts to build.
Some of the pressure comes from the idea that you “should” be having sex.
Some of it comes from knowing that your partner is unhappy.
This pressure can also manifest itself in other ways, like sexual dysfunction.
So you end up with disappointment, avoidance, and pressure.
How to tackle each part of the cycle.
If this is where you are, it feels inescapable.
But there is a way out.
Change your mindset about sex.
Transforming disappointment involves challenging your ideas about sex and correcting the unrealistic expectations you have about it.
Inform yourself about the real truth, science, and psychology of sex.
Read a good book about it (The Guide to Getting It Onor a sexuality textbook).
Do some online research, find qualified experts, and seek out resources.
Consider seeing an AASECT-certified sex therapist if you need information or support in changing your expectations.
Pleasure and connection are what matter in sex, not specific acts or results.
Approach rather than avoid.
Tackling the avoidance means you’re gonna wanna communicate openly and honestly with your partner.
you could step into those difficult conversations rather than deflecting or avoiding them.
Agree to work together as allies to recreate your sex life and maintain openness as you proceed.
Take the pressure off by doing things differently.
Lastly, you could use physical experiences to change how you interact and to overcome the challenges you face.
This jot down of exploration can be playful and relaxed, at least with practice.
Sexual avoidance happens to many couples over a life together.
