Attachment style is a topic that is finally getting some much-needed attention.
Because everything we do derives from our attachment with others.
A person with asecure attachment styleisn’t afraid of intimacy or fearful of others leaving when space is given.
But research suggestsonly 56% of adults have a secure attachment style.
So what happens when you have aninsecure attachment stylethat is, you tend to be more avoidant or anxious?
Can you ever get to secure attachment if your childhood set you down a path of insecurity?
More simply put: Can your attachment style change?
Three distinct scenarios come to mind when we talk about changing one’s attachment style.
Scenario 1: Through life experiences.
A boylet’s name him Aarongrows up in a loving home.
His parents' consistency showed him that he can trust others while learning to love and be loved.
He grew up with a secure attachment style.
These partners had one of the insecure attachment styles, and it wreaked havoc on him.
He began to become avoidant and dependent upon himself.
His attachment style moved from secure toavoidant.
Scenario 2: Between relationships.
She was in a relationship with someone where she was always on edge.
Susan even looked through his phone at some of his text message exchanges.
No surprise to her, the relationship ended for multiple reasons.
After processing the breakup and doing some intense work in therapy, she met someone new.
I immediately noticed a shift.
The way she interacted and talked about him was completely different from the previous relationship.
There wasn’t a hint of jealousy or anxiousness.
She was OK with the distance and any space he needed for work.
They took amazing trips together, and she was able to love and be loved freely.
Susan did not exhibit the anxiety and worry she had once felt.
Scenario 3: Through personal growth.
I have been aware my whole life that I have an anxious attachment style.
This attachment style came from my upbringing (it’s a long story!
), and it affected the way I was showing up in my romantic relationships.
All that said, I have been in therapy on and off for over a decade.
During this decade, I have done some deep work on myself and how I interact with others.
More recently, I was dating someone who clearly had an avoidant attachment style.
I could not see it at first, but then the signs became clear.
Instead of me going back into my normal anxious attachment style, I did the opposite.
I started to exemplify elements of being securely attached.
Seriously, my therapist literally stated, “I am so proud of you.
It happened againbut this time, withme.
To be honest, it still takes massive work on my end.
But it feels good to be on this side.
Here is where I choose to stay!
Choosing to change.
Is it possible that Aaron, Susan, and I all had our attachment style change?
Changing your attachment style for the better is no easy feat.
Professional help usually goes a long way.
you might truly do anything you put your mind to.
If developing a healthier attachment style is one of your goals, you’re free to do it!
