I used to have a habit of correcting people’s grammar.
Friends, boyfriends, strangers if their verb and adverb didn’t agree, they’d hear about it!
But my criticism didn’t stop at “wells” and “goods.”
I experienced my being and my world through uber-judgmental glasses.
I could find a flaw faster than I could find my left hand.
I thought the Mona Lisa, and, well, the rest of Europe, were really underwhelming.
I thought I was disgusting every time I looked in a mirror.
I had unrealistically high expectations for everyone and everything.
Always judging made me miserable to be around, and, well, miserable.
Judging our feelings causes shame.
Often, what’s at the root of our pain is self-criticism.
We judge ourselves, we judge others.
In response, we feel disappointment, frustration, discouragement, anger, and anxiety.
In fact, studies have shown self-criticism is linked todepression, anxiety, andeating disorders, among other ailments.
Like when I check out my boyfriend’s selfie-filled Instagram feed of super-babes.
Or I catch my reflection in a window when I’m in a particularly self-loathing frame of mind.
Or I lose my debit card for the 4th time in a month.
Those are times when I notice that critical, judgmental voice.
Of course, then I judge myself for judging (Megan, you hypocrite!
You’re supposed to be compassionate and nonjudgmental!)
But then I become aware of judging myself for judging, and empathize with my experience.
After all, judgement is deeply imbedded into us.
We are taught from a young age to develop strong critical thinking skills.
to analyze and criticize.
Thus, trying to detach from judgment can be very challenging.
The first step to change is awareness, so focus on that for now.
So, your first task in becoming less (self) critical is to notice when you’re judging.
you’re able to’t be judgmental and curious at the same time.
make a run at perceive your world with a beginner’s mind, an open mind.
Replace criticism with wonder; replace judgement with curiosity.
Here are a few examples:
3.
Language is emotionally evocative.
You get the point.
have a go at use neutral language, rather than words and descriptors that bring about strong feelings.
Softening your language can help you detach from judgment.
Play with your vocabulary a bit and see what connotations different words bring up for you.
When we step into the suffering of ourselves or others, we have a harder time being judgmental.
As with being curious, it’s very hard to be critical and empathetic at the same time.
Practice, practice, practice.
Same goes for when you notice yourself inevitably judging.
You’re creating new neural pathways, and improvement won’t happen overnight.
Find (or influence) your people.
Consider who might be a toxic or negative influence in your life.
Who in your world might be contributing to a culture of judgment?
There’s a difference between talking about another with respect, concern, or wonder, and callously trash-talking.
Or spend more time with people who live (fairly) nonjudgmentally and compassionately.
Oh, and stop reading tabloids and Perez Hilton-esque sites!
They both normalize and perpetuate criticism and judgment.
Try it for a few days.
For me, shame, anxiety, and disappointment don’t come around as often.
And for my friends, neither does the Grammar Police.
