In 2020, viewing monogamy as theonlyway to successfully conduct a relationship seems a little passe.
Growing numbers of people are living nonmonogamous lifestyles.
One approach to living a nonmonogamous lifestyle can be to adopt a philosophy of relationship anarchy.
What is relationship anarchy?
Some central tenets of relationship anarchy are freedom, communication, and nonhierarchy.
(The poem “On Leaving the Bachelorette Brunch” by Rachel Wetzsteon puts that philosophy into art.)
The relationship anarchy manifesto.
Love isnot a limited resource.
Love and respect instead of entitlement.
Your bond with someone does not give you the right to control or coerce them.
Find your core set of relationship values.
Heterosexism is rampant and out there, but don’t let fear lead you.
Build for the lovely and unexpected.
Be spontaneous in your connections.
Don’t feel held back by the “shoulds” or the “ought to’s.”
Fake it till you make it.
Breaking with monogamous, heterosexist relationship norms is hard work.
Setting out to do the work can feel like a tall mountain to climb.
Push through and go for it nonetheless until it feels like second nature.
Trust is better.
Choose to assume that your partner(s) want the best for you.
Change through communication.
Be in continuous dialogue with your partner(s).
Do not rely on “sensing” what they think or feel.
Without communication, people fall into old norms and can inadvertently hurt each other.
Customize your commitments.
Do you want to have children together but never move in together?
Do you want to get married but never have children?
Do you want to maintain separate homes but be committed life partners?
Whatever it is that you want, you have the power to make happen.
Relationship anarchy versus polyamory versus monogamy.
A monogamous person chooses to eschew all sexual and romantic bonds with people other than their one chosen partner.
This is the model of relationship that is most common and holds the most societal recognition.
Relationship anarchy thus differs from polyamory, which it is sometimes confused with.
It is sometimes known as ethical or consensual nonmonogamy.
To be polyamorous means to acknowledge that people can love more than one person simultaneously.
How relationship anarchy works in practice.
“Typical is a myth.
While that’s sometimes on point, the lives of relationship anarchists are also as varied as they come.
Relationship anarchy is the ‘choose your own adventure’ version of relationships.
It’s a belief in coloring outside the lines and going off-trail.
When we expand our minds past the predefined boundaries, the possibilities can be endless!”
That being said, a common thread between all relationship anarchists is the time given over to communication.
It can look like choosing to have children with platonic friends instead of with lovers.
In short, the sky’s the limit.
Common misconceptions.
Taking the jump into relationship anarchy is not for those who are looking for an easy way out.
Like any nonmonogamous setup, relationship anarchywill not solve problems you have in your current relationship.
