Is it lust or love?
Can this relationship survive beyond the sexual connection?
Am I actually inloveor just infatuated?
These are questions therapists like us hear all the time, for good reason.
Here, we compare the two common terms and how to tell which one you may be experiencing.
Lustis an intense sexual attraction to another person.
Additionally, it is a wild and dangerous misconception that ongoing lust is the expectation for along-term relationship.
Loveis a bit more complex.
Lustalone is interest only in the partner sexually.Loveis interest in getting to know the person over time.
Are you open to the hard work?
Lustattempts to keep the relationship on an ideal level.Loveexpands to having difficult conversations and exploring painful emotions.
How do you feel about the person’s flaws?
Lustloses interest when you discover a person’s flaws.Loveaccepts a person’s positive and negative qualities.
Does the relationship get better over time?
Lustis about immediate gratification.Lovedevelops trust and commitment over a long period of time.
Where is the thrill coming from?
How secure do you feel in the relationship?
Lustcan be impulsive and desperate.Lovetends to be steady and secure.
Do you feel “obsessed”?
Is there longevity?
Some people experience an instant sexual attraction while others feel a strong emotional bond thatgradually developsinto romantic attraction.
Testosterone and estrogen are supercharged, and we’re ready toget it on.
Norepinephrine energizes you and can suppress your appetite and need for sleep.
Increased dopamine leads to goal-directed behavior, and depleted serotonin is associated withobsessive thinking.
Signs you’re in the attraction phase:
Attachment
This is the phase ofcommitmentand growth.
The stability and emotional trust you’ve created make you feel safer to face life’s challenges.
To get to the heart of the matter, think about why you are asking the question.
Stepping into any romantic or sexually charged experience with another person is a vulnerable act.
Before we ask the question, “Is it love or lust?”
it might be more helpful to ask which anxiety is making you ask this question in the first place.
Are you wanting a committed relationship and worried it won’t develop in that direction?
Are you worried you’re staying in a relationship because of a strong physical connection?
Are you having a sexy fling that’s suddenly making you think you might want more?
In love and lust, there are no norms, no shoulds, no right way.
you’re free to have a year of steamy casual sex with someone and never fall in love.
you might love someone you’renot sexually attracted to anymore.
All of the above and everything in between is possible.
Do you trust them?
Do you feel free to be yourself with them?
How aligned are your values and dreams for the future?
Maybe instead of asking, “Is it love or lust?”
If you’re struggling deciding whether you’re experiencing lust orlove, you’re not alone.
The two terms are normal stages of a relationship.
