Very early on, my former partner suggested moving to a village.
And so we did.
A year later, he guilted me into a four-hour daily commute.
My story of geographical isolation echoes those of other women who have been involved with narcissists.
Heres how to recognize the clever ways a narcissist isolates you.
He or she isolates you from your longtime friends and family.
A sophisticated narcissist doesnt explicitly forbid you to spend time with the people who are important to you.
He or she engages in intermittent reinforcement.
The problem with being with a narcissist is that it isntallbad.
So eventually, you willingly isolate yourself, following your narcissist’s terms.
He or she pre-warns you about the things you cannot say.
Early on, my narcissist often remarked that he couldnt understand why couples spoke to others about problems.
“Its between the two of them,” he would say.
“Someone will get paranoid otherwise.”
That planted the first seed that I should shut up.
This way, he got narcissistic supply and expected me to overlook his abuse.
He or she isolates you from your hobbies.
At one point, my ex accused me of having an affair with my singing teacher.
Upon realizing her gender, he went so far as to tell me I was gay.
Eventually, an hour of singing wasnt worth eight hours of his paranoid hounding.
Slowly but surely, my life shrank as I gave up yoga, dresses, and perfumes.
Even the things I pursued at home, under his watch, hed put down.
“You have poor tasteI know, because I went to design school.”
The things that give us joy and nourish our soul shape our identity.
He or she stops you from making new friends.
Eventually I started seeing myself through his eyeswas I really the coquet he thought I was?
He or she sabotages your career.
Don’t you care about me?"
My ex continuously sabotaged my studies with abuse.
Then he stalked me at meetings, insisting I wasnt there, to justify that I shouldnt work.
Then he diverted emails on my website from to a mysterious mailboxanything to make me dependent.
He or she gaslights you.
Gaslighting is when someone screws with your reality and then says youre crazy.
He or she takes away your phone.
As a millennial, my phone is my portal to the world around which I organize my life.
you could reclaim who you really are.
I believe in you.
This article was written in collaboration with psychologist and coachJonathan Marshall.
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