Better to end it now before you’re free to get really hurt.
What does it mean to have a fear of intimacy?
They might seem emotionally open and have a lot of friends and family aroundbut always within limits.
So, they respond with a set ofavoidant behaviorsdesigned to protect their inner world.
As they’re reacting, they may not be aware that they’re even pushing people out.
They’re just doing what feels safe.
“All of this is not a conscious decision to hide these parts of yourself.
It’s survival,” licensed marriage and family therapistAlison Gomez, LMFT, tells mbg.
Intimacy is not always safe with everyone, even if it is someone you love."
Definition:
What is intimacy?
To understand the fear of intimacy, it’s important to understand what intimacy itself is.
Intimacy means we’re able to honestly reveal our true self to others and connect profoundly in that way.
Intimacy can be nurtured through sexual, emotional, intellectual, experiential, and spiritual experiences.
Instead of wanting to relate and move closer, there’s a feeling of shame.
“You may withhold information about [your] feelings, thoughts, and opinions,” Gomez says.
You’re fine sharing anything low-stakes: your day-to-day life, friends, hobbies, work.
Anything higher-stakes, like your private thoughts, is shared only if it’s asked or absolutely necessary.
You’re secretive about your true feelings.
It’s hard to advocate for what you want.
Besides, you feel OK keeping certain things to yourself because you want to keep expectations low and manageable.
You don’t take big risks in dating.
Have a history of short, unstable relationships?
There might be a reason for that.
“Someone with a fear of intimacy [has] a hard time sharing certain parts of themselves.
For example, you avoid making future commitments likelabeling the relationship, moving in together, or getting married.
When the connection grows, you go.
You went away for a weekend trip with your new S.O.
and had an amazing time.
But back in the comfort of your own home, you feel a vulnerability hangover.
To love is to feel loss.
You withdraw when they want more.
“This is [often] the case for those unfamiliar with true intimacy and interdependence.”
The grass is always greener on the other side.
You’re perfectionistic in your personal life.
There’s a tendency to hyper-focus on imagined demands and perceived criticisms in the relationship.
and project those feelings of inadequacy on your partner.
You have a complicated relationship with sex.
Either way, it’s hard for you to be embodied during sex because of those insecurities.
What causes a fear of intimacy?
A fear of intimacy could be resulting from past abandonment, difficult ex-relationships, or anxiety disorders.
As an adult, without the early experience of safe intimacy, they repeat what they know.
After a while, it becomes automatic to disengage and detach.
Being extremely close with someone doesn’t seem like an opportunity for worthwhile connection but an invitation for disappointment.
“Disconnection from others, while lonely and distressing, can also be comfortably uncomfortable,” Gomez continues.
“You know what to expect.
Being intimate when feeling unsafe is terrifying.”
Summary
How the fear of intimacy affects relationships.
Doing this creates tension and problems in the relationship.
The other partner can then harbor “feelings of resentment, guilt, shame, and sadness.”
Some people also simply prefer morecasual relationships, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
On the other hand, a person with a fear of intimacy actively wants commitment.
The role of attachment styles.
Fear of intimacy is often related to a person’sattachment style.
How to overcome the fear of intimacy.
Get to the root of it.
If you have a fear of intimacy, it’s helpful to get to the root of it.
In self-examination, Lurie recommends looking at the overall patterns.
Decide how you want to approach future relationships.
Nurture a safe environment within relationships.
If your partner has a fear of intimacy, healing can happen.
“The most important thing is safety.
As a partner to someone afraid of intimacy, avoid pressure and personalization.
“It takes time to build that trust.
It doesn’t necessarily say anything about you if they have trouble being intimate,” she adds.
