It’s easy to assume that everyone who cheats is just a bad person.
In other words, cheating is very common.
Here’s what to do.
Take a good hard look at your situation.
Are you cheating to stay in your relationship or because you want out?
To leave.
It’s an unconscious way to wake yourself up to the fact that it really is over.
Tell them you want out and then have the new relationship you’re seeking.
Don’t swing from branch to branch while you’re still in the tree.
There’s no need to hurt someone on your way out the door.
Start practicing it now.
To stay.
Recognize this: Cheaters are not necessarilylookingfor someone else; they are looking tobecomesomeone else.
Usually cheaters like who they are when they are with their cheating partner.
Most affairs are not really about the partner or the relationship, even when you might blame them.
They may project that need onto their partner, but that is what we do, as people.
We blame our unhappiness on the other.
Think hard about whether monogamy really makes sense for you.
It’s hard to commit to one person.
Are you findingmonogamyisn’t your thing?
(Here’s ourfull guide on how to know if an open relationship is right for you.)
Are we born monogamous?
Back then, by the time we got bored with each other, we were dead.
Can we stay desirous and monogamous for 90 years?
Monogamy is not a biological prison, nor is it a privilege.
It is an agreement.
It is a choice.
It is something you choose every day.
It is also designed to be a mutual decision, a gift you give to one another.
Therefore, the agreement should be as explicit as it can be.
After an affair, talk about what you want in your new monogamy agreement.
What constitutes monogamy for both of you?
What is a secret, and what should be private?
Are you sexually exclusive?
Are youemotionally uniqueto each other?
Renew your monogamy agreement often.
After all, we renew our driver’s license every few years.
Why not our relationship?
Shut down your tech.
Sounds impossible, right?
In today’s world, “tech cheating” is easier than ever.
We can cheat on our partner lying in bed next to them, on our phones and handheld devices.
Try putting down your phone, turn off your apps, and just back off for a while.
Shut down your social media.
Are you addicted to the excitement of cheating?
The forbidden nature of cheating?
Take up a hobby like hang-gliding, or ski some moguls.
One way to change your tech cheating is to break your relationship with technology.
Let yourself go into withdrawal.
Deal with all of the feelings that come up when you have nothing to occupy your time.
Make eye contact with other people when you’re talking to them.
End your current affair.
But do it right.
You may owe themand yourselfmore complete closure.
(And never ghost.
That’s just not OK.)
Let them know that you appreciate the relationship.
If you loved them, tell them it was true.
Be honest about your boundaries going forward.
Let them know you need time to think things through.
It’s OK to admit ambivalence.
But be clear that you know the best thing for you right now is to end this affair.
Finally, change your behavior.
Don’t keep texting or calling or flirting at the water cooler.
Really give them a chance to get over you, move on, and get another lover.
Give them the space they deserve.
Talk to your partner.
This is the most important step of them all.
Tell your partner how you feel.
What do you want in your marriage or committed partnership?
One way to go deeper and stay connected to your partner is to use what I call anticipatory empathy.
Let your partner know that you also imagine how they might be feeling.
Ask if there is something you’ve got the option to do to help their recovery.
Just showing empathy and validating their feelings can go a long way towardrecovering after an affair.
Go to therapy.
There are good therapists out there who are nonjudgmental about infidelity.
They recognize that affairs happen.
Find one who can walk you through what you really want.
There are several phases of recovery.
The initial stage is the crisis, when you both may doubt you could survive and stay together.
And you may not.
(Avoid the less crucial conversations around “when and with whom?”
which can be painful and not very rewarding to either of you.)
The third phase of recovery is the “vision” phase.
Go to a weekend retreat with your spouse.
Find a two-day couples' workshop that focuses on intimate connection, communication, and sex.
Go have some fun for two days.
Sit in a hot tub.
Work out your stuff.
A couples' weekend retreat is not a vacation.
Save that for later.
A two-day couples' workshop is led by a coach or a therapist and is focused on real healing.
It’s like intimacy school, if you will.
You might find out that a real, committed, intimate relationship is the best high of them all.
