Maybe your partner doesn’t hit you.
Maybe their physical violence doesn’t leave visible scars.
That’s the cleverness of an abuser who knows where to draw the line.
Because it’s so covert, you doubt your sanity.
No doubt, the person isgaslightingyoutelling you you’re too sensitive, and it’s all your fault.
These are some of the things (besides physical violence) that suggest your significant other might be abusive.
Your partner tries to isolate you.
He even tried to convince me my parent had been abusive.
That was when he was getting desperate.
Before that, he’d make a fuss about things I just didn’t understand.
In retrospect, it makes perfect sense.
Every time I went to yoga, he’d remind me of that.
Eventually, it just became easier not to go.
If you’re financially dependent, or in the pit of abuse, you may feel extremely isolated.
You’re never completely trapped.
I’ve been abused by [name], and it became impossible for me to talk to anyone.
Still, I’d really like for us to get connected again."
You’d be surprised at how much your loved ones will help you.
Your partner mingles intimidation tactics with pleas for sympathy.
“I have every right to take your wallet away.
He demanded passwords to my devices, and I eventually caved in.
“You know I hate phones,” he would say.
“Thats how I found out my ex was cheating on me.”
I had nothing to hide.
But he’d read my emails and messages, interrogating me.
He’d insist on knowing my whereabouts: “What if something happens to you?
What would your parents and the police say?”
Some abusers threaten to hurt children or pets.
The mere thought is frightening enough.
I’ve never needed to be saved by anyone, much less him.
Your partner tries to control your actions.
I like beautiful clothes.
I looked decent and professional.
“I know best.
I’m older and more experienced,” he’d insist.
If I did what he suggested, it was evidence that I was “up to no good.”
If I didn’t, he’d use it against me for months.
It was a classic case ofdamned if I do, damned if I don’t.
Maybe your abuser doesn’t have a go at control what you wear.
The more trivial and banal, the more degraded you feel and the less personal space you have.
It’s a powerful tool for emotional manipulation.
Your partner coerces you to do things you’re uncomfortable with through emotional subterfuge.
You don’t want to be close to me.”
It wasn’t the first time I told him I wasn’t interested in illegal substances.
When I refused, he blew up, and immediately decided that must mean I was cheating on him.
My decisions were never respected, and somehow, they were always about him.
My friends hate you.
And I’m still standing up for you."
But you see, the abuser believes they are entitled.
Your partner tries to manage your reality without your knowledge or consent.
Emails were deleted without my ever having seen them.
As time passed, he’d rewrite the story, saying he remembered everything and I was lying.
If this happens to you, hold on to your gut instinctyour abuser is lying.
Your partner casts you as the villain.
But I checked myself.
I was the one fleeing from my own house over and over again.
I was the one shaking in fear.
And I was the one who sometimes wanted to end my life.
Your partner uses your empathy and love to make you feel guilty.
If I got upset, he’d coldly say, “Look at me.
I’m so calm.
And you’re falling apart.
What does that say?”
You should know better."
It didn’t matter how many times I said, “I’m not your doctor or therapist.
I’m your girlfriend.”
He continued to insult my credentials and credibility.
Other abused women have told me how their empathy is used against them.
“You’re a healer/coachhow can you not help me?”
Research shows that abusers eventually become violent.
That’s how much my reality had been skewed.
For a long time, I felt guilty for even entertaining the thought of creating an exit strategy.
When a friend told me, “Honey, it’s crucial that you see your doctor.
Get it on record,” I felt trapped by the guilt of betraying him by telling a professional.
I still wanted to believe he was a good person.
That he could change.
That he loved me.
You owe it to yourself to keep yourself safe.
If you don’t honor and protect yourself, who will?
You are so much more precious than your abuser would have you believe.
For me, the steps to an exit happened slowly, over time.
My local friends, a domestic violence charity, and my doctor knew.
I locked down my devices, hard drives, and Kindle accounts, changing every password I had.
And every night, I’d pin everything I wanted in my new home on a secret Pinterest board.
It’d be a place of beauty and lightno tobacco ash in my bedand it would smell divine.
It gave me something to look forward to.
I even arranged to rent a friend’s spare room if I needed an emergency out.
I was still holding on to some invisible hope, though.
I thought,maybe he’ll check into rehab.
Maybe he’ll change.
But he didn’t.
I just had to go.
I packed everything up in eight hours, and I’ve never regretted that choice for a second.
