It’s become particularly popular in the self-help social media universe.

These days, everyone’s got a people-pleaser syndrome (not an actual diagnosis) that needs fixing.

Let’s dig in.

Maria Sosa, M.S., MFT

What is people-pleasing?

In turn, we feel a sense of approval and are soothed by the positive attention we receive.

In fact, it frequently leaves us feeling downright resentful and like a doormat.

What causes people-pleasing behavior?

The truth of it all is that we are all people-pleasers to some extent.

It’s in our human nature to want to be liked and belong.

In fact, it’s an evolutionary adaptive mechanism.

If we think back to prehistoric times, our ancestors were part of tribes.

There was safety in these communities.

Survival was dependent on coexisting in harmony and not being an outcast.

There were consequences to going against the grain.

It made sense: play nice to stay alive.

As stated above, for the most part, we are all people-pleasers.

The bigger question is to what degree.

To help with this concept, we can think of a scale from 0 to 10.

How to stop people-pleasing.

Start with kindness and understanding instead of judgment.

By acknowledging that our behaviors make sense and providing acceptance, we create the best foundation for change.

Paint a clear picture of where you are right now.

Actually create a diagram or journal.

Make a visual representation.

Examine your limits and boundaries.

Pinpoint areas in your life or relationships where you feel stretched too thin, overextended, and possibly resentful.

Go inward into your emotions and theways in which you have repressedthem.

Notice where you feel inauthentic and not your full self.

Look at ways in which you have disappointed yourself to not disappoint others.

Reconnect with your inner wisdom, and ask if it has a message for you.

Get creative and explore it all without judgment or with the intention of changing anything.

Look at what you wrote and created.

Begin to consider how you would want things to look different.

Visualize and paint a new picture for a future version of yourself.

Choose a place where you’d like to start making changes.

For example, ifboundariesare particularly difficult for you, lean into this area and discomfort.

Create a set of “If/Then” statements that you’re free to keep handy and practice.

This can sound like:

Create three sets of statements that you might put into practice.

Repeat, repeat, repeat.

The most important part of this exercise is the repetition.

This is how new brain connections and patterns are created.

The change is in the doing, in the actions.

If we want to shift away from people-pleasing, we have to continuously practice choosing ourselves.

Come back to the big picture.

Explore another area that needs some attention.

Again, be specific, and focus on the small yet sustainable incremental shifts.

The takeaway.

We might feel lost without those familiar patterns.

As you’re learning how to stop people-pleasing, remember to have patience with yourself throughout the process.

It won’t be easy.

And it’s a good thing we can do hard things.