As we opened our session, Jeff burst out with, “We have readThe Five Love Languages10 times.
Still, it seems she constantly finds fault with me.
Nothing is ever enough.”
The problem with the love languages.
This lack of attention to the details can oftentimes lead to an ineffective program of its teachings.
This useful information is an essential part of any couple’s tool kit for skillful loving.
But there are many things people tend to get wrong about the love languages.
The love languages can get used for scorekeeping.
Love languages can change.
Active listening is an essential part of any healthy relationship.
Our love language can change over time and in specific life situations.
An ongoing dialogue with sound communication skills is essential to using the love languages theory successfully.
Love doesn’t only have to be given to us by others.
This doesn’t mean we need to wait around for our partner to make us feel good.
Do you use words of affirmation, gifts, touch, and quality time with yourself?
The love languages are not a universal salve.
1 issue I see with couples is what I call “infinity loops.”
Leigh feared disconnection, so she interpreted Jeff’s natural introversion and bookworm nature as a rejection of her.
Then she criticized more, and off they went in this loop.
Giving gifts, words, or acts of service doesn’t address this core issue or stop the spiral.
Love languages can get used as a quick fix.
This requires another skill to soften, repair, forgive, and find our way back to each other.
A relationship requires an entire tool kit, not just a single tool.
The love languages won’t fix underlying issues.
Understanding the love languages can teach us a lot about relationships, but they won’t fix everything.
Love languages are not theonlyelement of a successful relationship.
Jeff and Leigh became aware of the dynamics they were each bringing to their ongoing power struggle.
Jeff discovered that the feeling that he could never do enough had begun when he was very young.
They began to do the inner repair work within themselves.
Each person bringing this empathy to the relationship is what began to heal it.
The bottom line.
These skills are part of what sustains the relationship in the harder seasons.
