The holidays had been surprisingly enjoyable.
I was leaving the next day for a girls' trip to a secluded beach in Jamaica.
January was filled with work projects I was excited about.
And just prior to the holiday, a friend had introduced me to someone who I really liked.
And yet I felt frustrated, filled with rage, rattled from end to end.
I phoned Sadie and began to unload my litany of inexplicable frustrations.
Midway through my rant, she said sweetly, “Can I offer something?”
I barked back in agony.
Oh, I breathed silently to myself.Oh.
I’d spent most of 2019 not dating.
The first half of the year I was largely celibate, focused on work andhealing from a breakup.
I had no desire to rock the boat.
But I also didn’t want to completely close myself off.
In other words, two individuals that played a role, including you.
Knowing what role you played and how that relationship came into your life is paramount.
Start by simply listing out all previous partners, from the major life-altering ones to the short flings.
Get to know your patterns.
What keeps getting repeated or played out in different forms with each partner?
In other words, what are your relationship patterns?
And yet those patterns are running the show.
But my collective experience doesn’t lie, and neither does yours.
With this newfound clarity, what are you actually looking for?
With our newfound clarity, now begins the process ofdetermining what you actually want.
All too often I find clients quietly muttering, “I just want someone who is kind.”
And while yes, I’d argue that kindness is a must-have virtue, it’s awfully nonspecific.
It’s a tricky thing to be clear on what we as individuals desire.
On the one hand, we’re told, “Don’t be too picky!
They don’thaveto be tall!
They don’thaveto be rich!”
On the other, we’re pushed to only entertain potential partners who are truly worthy of our attention.
Coming to know our own standards and desires versus what society has deemed “desirable” is challenge enough.
This is slightly different from deal-breakers.
A deal-breaker, for me personally, is someone who doesn’t want children.
I didn’t think it’d be that big of a deal.
I figured I could travel alone or cover the cost for the both of us.
But the whole situation turned out to feel incredibly limiting.
Now stick to it.
I’ve been in their shoes, too.
Our intuition is our greatest guide here.
And thus landing on what weactuallywant.
