You’ve probably heard of attachment styles before.
However, much of the information typically shared around attachment style can be incredibly binary and even shame-inducing.
You’re either secure or have a “messed up” attachment, it suggests.
The truth is, attachment is way, way more complex than how we’ve been understanding it.
The truth is, as with many other parts of us, we are very rarely all one thing.
If we find safety and love later in life, boom!
A new attachment stylealso emerges1.
And the context is so important!
The particular relationship we are in affects the attachment style that comes to the surface.
When we feel safe, maybe a more vulnerable, secure part of us shows up.
When we feel rejected or scared, our anxious part might take over, needing assurance and affirmations.
But just keep in mind, that may not be the only way you areallthe time.
Having an anxious or avoidant attachment style doesn’t always come from an insecure attachment with a caregiver.
There is such an emphasis on our caregivers in attachment theory.
I often hear in my sessions with clients, “What’s wrong with me?
My parents loved me!”
Or, “I feel bad blaming my parents for the way I am!”
be more insecure doesn’t automatically mean your parents were unreliable or abusive.
Maybe they were; maybe they weren’t.
But either way, there are many other things that contribute to your attachment style.
No one has a 100% secure attachment style.
Attachment disruptions occur when we don’t feel heard or understood.
When we are hurt.
When we are separated from our families.
When we feel like we can’t be our true selves.
When our caregivers don’t fully accept us.
Our attachment styles are also deeply influenced by our first relationships, friendship, and romantic.
4. it’s possible for you to heal your attachment style.
Healing your attachment styles takes time.
Be patient with and kind to yourself.
The first step to changing and healing is knowing more and then being gentle with yourself.
