Nowhere does our culture present a more skewed set of expectations than around intimate, long-term relationships.
The truth is that relationships are not easy.
They’re never easy.
But the reality is that love is action.
It’s something we must commit to as a practice.
Here are 38 hard truths about relationships that can help you create healthy expectations:
1.
You won’t always like your partner.
You won’t always feel attracted to your partner.
You will feel irritated.
You won’t always miss your partner when you’re away from each other.
You will feel bored at times.
You will wonder if there’s someone “better” at times.
You will feel lonely at times.
Your partner is not your clone, and differences can be challenging.
Your heart will open and close.
You will feel attracted and not attracted.
Your sex life will be challenging at times.
Especially if there’sa high-drive partner and a low-drive partner(which there almost always is).
You won’t always want to have sex.
You will feel in love and indifferent.
You will feel connected and disconnected.
Real love includes apparent polarities.
Real love includes fear.
Fear doesn’t always feel like fear.
Sometimes it feels like indifference, irritation, ambivalence, and numbness.
The deeper the love, the deeper the fear.
The deeper the love, the deeper the risk.
This means touching down from time to time into an acute awareness of the possibility of loss.
You will have thoughts like, “I want to leave.
I want something else.
I want someone else.”
These are just thoughts.
It doesn’t mean they’re true.
Most often they’re another manifestation of fear.
Doubtful thoughts (like those above) usually come on the heels of feeling disconnected from your partner.
The more you know this, the more easily it’s possible for you to accept it.
You will wonder why nobody else talks about how hard it can be.
You will compare yourself to others, and your relationship to other relationships.
You never know what’s happening behind closed doors.)
You will see each other at your worst.
You will lash out at each other and say things you don’t mean.
You will hurt each other.
You will break each other’s trust.
This doesn’t necessarily mean affairs there are many ways to break trust.
So will your partner.
If you have kids, you will endure several years where neither of you are getting your needs met.
This feeling will ebb and flow.
The dynamic in a relationship is never constant, so inevitably having children will challenge your routine.
There’s no doubt that life with young children is challenging.
They grow up and it gets easier.
You will feel enraged, indignant, and unappreciated at times.
This is a spiritual practice.
You will be invited to be the bigger person at times.
You will need to swallow pride and apologize first.
This is a good thing.
You will miss the honeymoon phase (if there ever was one).
There may not be much of what you think of as romance in later years.
You will feel resentful.
You will harbor grudges.
Then you will find ways to heal from past hurts and the relationship will grow stronger.
You will age together.
You will witness each other graying, wrinkling, sagging, and scarring.
After reading this list you might wonder why anyone would sign on to a long-term relationship.
Isn’t it easier being single?
Yes, it is easier.
It’s safer and less risky.
