Stage 1: The Merge
This first romantic stage is mediated by chemicals and hormones.
Everything feels magical and certain: you unwaveringly believe that you’ve found “your other half.”
“It was the best first kiss in the history of first kisses.
It was as sweet as sugar.
And it was warm, as warm as pie.
The whole world opened up and I fell inside.
I don’t know where I was, but I didn’t care.”
I was 13 years old and Pat Dore kissed me in the basement of Nancy Zipf’s party.
For 57 years, I have remembered the moment but have been unable to find the words.
We remember the feeling, evocative and magical: warm as pie, sweet as sugar.
“When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.
You know that your name is safe in their mouth.”
Billy, age four (aka my friend’s grandson!)
We are seen by someone else, really and truly.
“In real love you want the other person’s good.
In romantic love, you want the other person.”
Margaret Anderson
The chemical dopamine is a huge component in that feeling of falling in love.
This quote helps me think about the complicated ways we try and make sense of love.
Mystery is important."
Helen Fisher
I love this quote because it emphasizes the importance of allowing for uncertainty in love.
But sometimes mystery trumps all in love.
It’s essential to let go of that need for control.
Stage 2: Doubt & Denial
The things we initially fell in love with can begin to annoy us.
We become more conditional, less vulnerable and normal troubles begin to show up.
“Behind every complaint there is deep personal longing.”
John Gottman
The work of relationship is to understand the main idea of this quote with empathy.
“A good marriage is a contest of generosity.”
“Love isn’t something natural.
Rather it requires discipline, concentration, patience, faith, and the overcoming of narcissism.
It isn’t a feeling, it is a practice.”
Eric Fromm
Falling in love is easy.
That’s why it’s calledfalling.
I did it at 11 for the first time so how hard can it really be?
The list goes on.
It takes work, but it’s all work that’s worth it.
Stage 3: Disillusionment
We become entrenched in what’s wrong with the relationship.
Repetitive arguments abound, as do low or impossibly matched libidos.
Just about everything seems to be a power struggle.
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other.
Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.”
But her core belief is about the difference between love and codependency, not gender.
For instance, I consider myself to be in a good and long-term marriage.
The heart of healthiness in relationship is differentiation, when we master the art of togethernessandsolitude.
Both are needed and both take time to learn.
“Apologizing doesn’t always mean you are wrong.
Sometimes it means you value your relationships more than your ego.”
Unknown
This is a tremendously difficult idea to accept.
Most of us hate being wrong, and the idea of apologizing seems totally undesirable.
This has never worked, and never will.
A relationship has humor, resiliency, separation and togetherness.
We must accept where it doesn’t work and where it does all the same.
In other words, wecanbe alone, though we may not want to be.
Being in love gives us a feeling of freedom.
Loving is a decision which we sometimes make even when the feeling seems far away.
Then, a funny thing happens.
From there, we continue to risk being ourselves more and more.
“Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind.
‘Yes, Piglet?’
‘Nothing,’ said Piglet, taking Pooh’s hand.
It is this vulnerability, and our willingness to accept it, that enriches the quality of friendship.
And it is this quality of deep friendship that is most essential to every love affair.
