Hard facts: Divorce is exceedingly common, not to mention expensive and emotionally draining.
Even among people who don’t believe in divorce, unhappy marriages abound.
It’s imperative to get on the same page about kids before getting married, Andre says.
“Starting a family is not everyone’s plan once they get married,” she explains.
“Having children is a life-changing choice.
Not having this conversation prior to marriage can lead to disastrous outcomes for the relationship.”
How do you want to raise your kids?
Consider questions like:
What role will religion play in our lives?
This is particularly important if you’ve got different religions or differing levels of engagement with religion.
How will we manage finances?
Talk about your expectations around finances before getting married, Andre recommends.
“Money is one of the top reasons for divorce,” Andre notes.
How will we balance professional and domestic responsibilities?
“Are there gender roles, or other preconceived notions affecting the expectations of each partner?
Is there room for flexibility when it comes to managing the home, or are there rigid boundaries?”
You’ll want to understand how you’llshare the housework, child care, andmental load.
What does a “perfect marriage” look like to you?
Talk about each other’s dream or fantasy when it comes to marriage, Jackson recommends.
Is this the right time for us to get married?
Are there any reasons it would make sense to wait a while longer before getting married?
Remember, if you both know you’re going to spend forever together anyway, what’s the rush?
Where do we see our lives going?
So talk about your visions for your lives.
How do you handle stress, frustration, and disappointments in your life?
“This question speaks to your partner’s ability to self-soothe and cope well,” Jackson says.
“When life happens, we either cope with things positively or negatively.
It is good to know how your partner handles things when life might throw him/her an unexpected curveball.”
“People have what is known as meta emotions.
Meta-emotion is the way we feel about feelings,” she explains.
“Many couples have a meta-emotion mismatch.
How should we deal with conflict?
Nonetheless, Earnshaw recommends directly asking about how you plan to handle disagreements when you’re married.
People change their minds about kids, money, career aspirations, and more all the time.
What would you do if that happened?
“Normalizing change is a good thing and results in transparent and honest communication down the road.”
How important is sex to you?
(Here’show often married couples have sex, in case you’re curious.)
Are there any relationship issues or past conflicts you’re still thinking about?
“I always say that marriage is about two people getting really good at forgiving one another.
Why would someone want to spend the rest of their life with you?
“This question is powerful and will require them to do an internal reflection,” Jackson says.
