Before you run into a narcissist partner, chances are, you’vehad some of this in your family line.
Hitting closest to home is a narcissistic mother or parent.
It is incredibly confusing and unsettling because we come into the world as helpless babies.
Our parents aremeantto keep us safe and nurture us.
And as children, we naturally trust and depend on them.
While most parents do the best that they can, some deliberately do theworstthat they can.
Enter, the narcissistic mother.
What is a narcissistic mother?
She believes she is entitled to that, and she is incredibly self-absorbed.
It’s one rule for her and another rule for everyone else.
Sometimes, it’s a combination of the race to the bottomandthe top.
And she may even enjoy watching her own children suffer, as she plays out her manipulative machinations.
Hence, the qualifier “personality.”
And someone with NPDwill not, andcannot, change.
You are effectively your mother’s trophy.
Everything good you do is considered a reflection of herher superior genetics and her hard work in raising you.
Sometimes, there is also a “lost child” who’s neglected.
Part of this could be a sadistic drive to see their kids suffer.
You’ll be told you are too sensitive, crazy, or some other derogatory adjective.
Eventually, you gaslight yourself.
This is incredibly common in narcissistic mothers, and you train yourself to think itmusthave been an accident.
Because, why would your mother do that?
In the world of medical tests and statistics, we call an oversensitive test one that producesfalse positives.
This is because having a more acutely sensitive antenna helps you to survive.
Thesetrauma responsesare so deeply embedded within you, they act on autopilot.
This severely depletes your energy levels and health over the long term.
Until you get some respite.
You have poor emotional intelligence.
You may be wondering, how can you be incredibly attuned to others but have poor emotional intelligence?
Unfortunately, a narcissist’s children are brought up to dismiss how they feel.
Instead, it’s to convince yourself bybeing overrational, that it’s not that bad.
And to stay positiveaka,toxic positivity.
Everybody is born with an innate sense of what’s right and what’s wrongour intuition tells us that.
You put the blame, shame, and guilt on yourself.
As children, the easiest way we take control of situations is to blame ourselves.
You’ll experience guilt for things you did and the things you did not do.
And you’ll shame yourself because you see yourself as a fundamentally bad and unlovable person.
You have terrible or nonexistent boundaries.
Children raised by narcissistic mothers often grow up to have poor standards and poor boundaries.
While standards are theHell yesesin your life,boundariesare theHell noes.
Meaning, you gaslight yourself.
And so, people don’t honor them.
You also overgive and solve others' problems unsolicitedthat’swayeasier than taking care of yourself.
The thing about growing up under the clutches of a narcissistic mother is that the trauma leads torepetition compulsion.
And of course, such toxic situations mean that the trauma never resolves itself; instead, it compounds.
Repeat this situation enough times, and it feels like a never-ending bad magic spell.
You learn to be helpless and start believing that this curse is your destiny.
Because it’s unconscious, you are suckered back into such relationships over and over again.
You develop an insecure attachment system.
Attachment is a way we can understand how we perceive and respond to intimacy in relationships.
Being brought up by a narcissistic mother, you might develop aninsecure attachment.
You might lash out and then feel worse.
Or, you could be a combination ofbothanxiously and avoidantly attached.
How to heal and find peace
Stop blaming yourself.
If you suspect or realize your mother may be a narcissist, thatEureka!moment can be freeing.
Things start to make sense.
Or you might be furious at yourself for not knowing what things like boundaries and attachment are.
But we didn’t learn crucial life skills and financial fluency or boundaries.
So yo, enough beating yourself up.
Otherwise, you’ve left the playground, but you’ve become your own bully.
Recognize her intentions and act accordingly.
Next, when dealing with your mother, put yourself inLaw of the Jungle Mode.
(This is also sometimes referred to as thegrey rock method.)
You might protest that this makes you inauthentic.
But you don’t go to war without weapons or shields.
Remember this, and you could then reserve all your energy and authenticity for those who have your back.
Minimize contact.
For instance, you might want to praise her so she leaves you alone and gives you some peace.
Rather than do it because you’re hoping she’llfinallybe the (consistently) loving mother you never had.
It also meansexpect bad behavior from her.
Anddiscount any good behavior as flukes or costly manipulationsyou’ll have to pay for later.
Do not be hoodwinked.
Take care of yourself.
You will feel guilty and ashamed for abiding by the Law of the Jungle.
Same with not being nice 24/7 to her.
Fordaringto think she’s atoxic person.
You’ll have to learn how to take care of these emotions and practice taking care of yourself.
As you’re doing these, you’ll also be grieving deeply.
The thing about healing isthat’s not your final chapter.Look to the person you’ll become.
Consider those beautiful chapters of your life, after healing.
In essence, you’ll become the champion and parent your younger self never had.
This is the real “do-over.”
May that comfort you and guide you forward in your journey toward true freedom and peace.
