If communication is not your forte, don’t worry.
As you review the signs, strive to keep judgment of yourself or your partner to the side.
The more objective you are, the more beneficial your insights will be.
In fact, you might want to make notes as you read.
One personneedsto win.
Healthy communication focuses on a collaborative, win-win attitude that makes room for both individuals' perspectives.
Unhelpful:You are so irrational; your opinion is just plain wrong.
Helpful:Your perspective is different from mine.
I’d like to know more about your thoughts so that I can understand you better.
Blaming and shaming are at work.
When one or both partners get into the shame-or-blame habit, communicationand the relationshipgo downhill.
Helpful:We’re a bit behind on our bills.
Let’s sit down this weekend to work out a budget and payment plan.
With a little bit of teamwork, I know we can get our finances under control.
Criticism instead of healthy feedback.
Although many people are sensitive to receiving feedback, almost no one appreciates being criticized.
Unhelpful:You’re completely inconsiderate and selfish.
You’re not even thoughtful or responsible enough to let me know when you’re running late.
I’d truly appreciate a quick text or call when you’re running behind.
Eye contact and body language are off.
Body languagecan sometimes speak volumes.
It’s easy to slip into negative habits during conversations with a partner.
These subtle and not-so-subtle behaviors are a passive-aggressive way of controlling conversations in a highly negative way.
Unhelpful:Why am I snickering and rolling my eyes at you?
Because you’re so irrational.
I feel seen, valued, and understood.
Multitasking gets in the way.
Unhelpful:What’s wrong with you?
Can’t you just let me do other things while you talk?
Helpful:You’re my priority, and what you have to say is important.
Let me stop what I’m doing to focus on our conversation.
Angry, passive-aggressive, or passive tactics are in play.
Unhelpful:You’re f-d up.
And you think you’re a good partner?
Why don’t you just get out of here?
Helpful:I feel really angry when you dismiss opinions.
Interrupting is the norm.
Interrupting sends the message that another person’s message is unimportant or incorrect.
If patterns of interrupting are chronic (or getting to be), frustration and resentment arise.
True,active listeninginvolves slowing down to actuallyhearwhat another person is saying without interjecting an opinion.
What you’re saying is absolutely wrong!
Let me tell you how it is.
Helpful:I listened fully to what you had to say.
Is there anything else?
I want to double-check you’re finished before I share some thoughts.
Disagreements become fights.
Fighting creates a warlike atmosphere where anger and resentment thrive; fights rarely end with a positive solution.
Disagreements, however, often bring couples into a space of feeling mutually seen and heard.
These couples know that they can safely disagree on topics without being attacked.
Unhelpful:You always want something.
If it’s not a new car or your latest hobby, you’re after a trip somewhere.
Now you want to redo the backyard.
Isn’t enough ever enough for you?
Helpful:I’m feeling a little stressed about redoing the backyard right now.
I’ve looked at our budget, and it would be a struggle this year.
What do you think about holding off until next spring?
We can set money aside and really do it right.
How does that sound to you?
Technology interferes with face-to-face time.
And intimate communication, like any skill, needs regular practice to stay in good form.
Helpful:Setting aside time every day to talk with your partner.
Resentment and unsolved issues lurk in the background.
If one or both partners stockpile issues instead of addressing them as soon as possible, trouble is brewing.
Others compartmentalize issues in the hope that the problem will go away.
While some minor issues do fade if left unaddressed, many are recycled issues that are never solved.
Unhelpful:I’m not going to forgive.
I don’t care if you apologized and made things right.
I want you to pay for what you did for the rest of your life.
Helpful:I’m hurt and feel like we need to get to the roots of what happened.
I think it will do both of us a world of good to gain more clarity and understanding.
We can then start fresh.
Taking next steps.
Be patient with yourself and your partner as you venture into the often-unfamiliar world ofhealthy communication.
Keep at it, stay mindful, and do your best one day at a time.
Before you know it, your practice will pay off by bringing you and your partner closer than ever.
Here’s more onhow to fix a lack of communication in relationships.
