Deidre called me, bawling.
She still hadnt heard from him.
In our previous session together, I counseled Deidre tostop all contact with her ex.
Deidre was in detox and starting to regain her power.
But she still struggled.
“He popped up in my Facebook feed this morning.
Who hasnt experienced Deidres anger and despair after an inexplicable and heart-wrenching breakup?
Social media (especially Facebook and Instagram) can pour salt on fresh woundsintensifying the pain.
“Commando-style” no-contact rules are the foundation of regaining your equilibrium:
1.
Stop trying to maintain a friendship.
Now, youre not.
Stop pretending to be friends, especially if youre secretly hoping to re-establish a romantic relationship.
Not only does this rarely work, its also completely disingenuous.
If you share children in common, be polite but short and to-the-point in your communication.
Drop himand all his friendson social media.
I know, I know.
You like his friends (and hate to hurt their feelings).
But, its time for you to prioritize your own feelings.
Your mental and emotional sanity come first.
Reinjuring yourselfwith a stream of pictures of your ex and his friendswill ruin your day unnecessarily.
For now, you dont need to know anything about him.
And he doesnt need to know anything about you.
Don’t do anything!
Do not drive by.
Do not do anything.
DO NOTand I mean DO NOTinitiate contact.
Do not do anything.
Reread it 10 times.
Then, read it some more.
Yes, asking friends, “Hows he doing?”
If youre wondering whether youre breaking the rules, you probably are.
In the early stages of detox, call a good friend and ask her advice.
Shell tell you, “Dont do it!”
Speaking of good friends, youd be wise to tell your inner circle.
Let them know that youre hurting.
You may need to spend the night.
Ask for a shoulder to cry on.
They will fill you up with love.
Your heart will ache a lot less.
Frenemies will act sad when they hear your bad news.
But as soon as you turn away, their fingers will shakefrom a desire to text the world.
Spare yourself this pain.
Keep these frenemies so far away from you that they are literally sitting in Antarctica.
(Sorry, Antarctica, but they had to sit somewhere.)
Do not ask to meet.
Let him reach out to you.
Like a week in advance.
Two weeks if youre still mad.
Because youve got a life!
Busy people never accept last-minute invites.
Do not compete with him.
At some point, you will hear that hes been seeing someone new.
By that time, youll be seeing other people too.
More spiritually evolved people.
Or youll have done one thing that was off-the-charts cool, like penning an album about heartbreak.
Have you ever pined for an item at the Dollar Store?
I didnt think so.
People long for that which is precious and rare.
Remember how you had to mow 4,322 lawns is buy your first MacBook?
I bet you still consider that the best computer you ever owned.
Never lower your value or act as if you could be on a shelf at the Dollar Store.
If he dumped you, he is not the prize.
Hold your head high.
And always know that youre a rose in a sea of thorns.
Find a creative act that you love.
Transform your pain into something beautiful.
Magic happens when pain and artistry converge.
You transcend to the next level of consciousness because youre doing something valuable and positive.
Instead, vulnerability and sadness are your muse.
Your heart breaks open.
From death, life springs forth again.
If all else fails, play Gloria Gaynors “I Will Survive” on repeat.
